The biggest lie that Satan has told me ALL my life is that I am second best. That I am not worth people’s love and respect! There will always be someone who is prettier than me, who can do the job better than me, who would never really choose to be around me when others are around. I never minded following or serving whoever was in charge because in my head, they were better and more deserving then I would ever be. Even when I was in a leadership position, I never was confident in myself because I felt other people around me where waiting for me to mess up and fail. That they would be right there waiting to say “see you really can’t do it!”
So coming on this race and choosing teams, it never crossed my mind that I would ever be chosen to be a team leader! That was a job for a person who people wanted to be around and would respect them. It was for people who were confident and heard from God. The people who were chosen were perfect and people really liked them. I was asked to be the treasure and take care of our team’s money. Even though I despise math and had no idea how to budget money…I was okay with this job because it was a way to serve my team leader and my team. It wasn’t a position that was not highlighted and I could still hide from the spotlight!
THEN starting in month 4, we were in Malaysia and some of the members of my team started telling me I would make a great leader and that they would love to be on a team that I was leading! I thought they were crazy!! Did they really know who they were talking to? I could never be a leader, there HAD TO BE SOMEONE BETTER! I am a great server and I will help you in anyway and in my head a servant can’t really be a leader. So I pushed those ideas away!
THEN AGAIN last month in Tanzania some of the members of my team were telling me that I would make a great leader and that people would listen to me! That they would love to be on a team that I would be leading! I heard this almost EVERY day and again I thought they were crazy! I even started praying to God that He wouldn’t do that to me! I wasn’t ready!
When God has an idea and wants to see it played out, it will happen! He started giving me a weird peace about leading a team. Every time I would try to push that thought away, God would somehow put it back in my head! But I was confused because we weren’t supposed to be changing teams and we already had a team leader! Plus who would be the treasurer because lets me honest no one really wants that job! I was trying to figure out God’s plans but there were no answers
Until our month 6 debrief; this was the beginning of this month. It was our last night in Lilongwe, Malawi and we were supposed to head to our ministry site in the morning. Our team still had no idea where we were supposed to go, who our contact was and what we were going to be doing. It was like 4:50pm and that was when God decided to reveal His plan to me!
I was called into a meeting with 2 other people from my squad with our squad leaders and they asked for us to be TEAM LEADERs! My stomach felt like it was full of butterflies and I think my heart stopped! Do you they know that they are taking to ME? Don’t they know who I am? They must have made some mistake. But as I was sitting there, I knew that this is something I had to do. That God had a part in this and He knew I was ready!
So I accepted and I felt like I was in a dream. They handed me a card with who was on my new team, which had 4 other names on it and they were ALL women! I was excited and nervous all at once. And then the icing on the cake came and we had to share with the whole squad that we were know team leaders and reveal our new teams.
My heart stopped pounding and I felt almost sick to my stomach. Would my squad be supportive? Would people think that there had to be some kind of mistake? Would my new team want me to be their new leader? Satan was trying to fill my head with all of these lies that I had been hearing all my life. He was trying to break me anyway He could.
Luckily I serve a God who doesn’t make mistakes because as soon as my name was announced as one of the new team leader, I felt so much support and love than I have ever had. I looked around our group and expecting so see faces of shock and disbelief, I saw faces of support and love and excitement. People were hugging me and telling me that they knew I was going to be an amazing leader and that God had a special hand on me. I was the one shocked and overwhelm. The girls on my team were supportive and ready for our new little team to begin life together. Maybe I really can do this?!
For the first time, I can feel confident in what I do and know that God placed me in this position for a reason and He will support me and give me the strength that I need. I am so thankful that I have teammates and squad mates that believed in my when I didn’t believe in myself. I am so thankful for family and friends back at home who are supporting me and praying for me.
He also has shown me that I can’t do this job on my own, that this is Him leading and I am His messenger. I have learned that being a servant does make a great leader. I can serve my team in a new way and fight for them and be their voice when they need to be heard.
So here begins a new chapter in this crazy thing I have called my new normal life. It is scary and sometimes Satan still tries to fill my head with lies that I am not doing a good job and that I really can’t lead this group of amazing women. Every time I try to listen to those lies, God reminds me that I AM NEVER HIS SECOND CHOICE!!! That He chose me and adores me! There is not one person who could do a better job at being me than me. How can a girl deny what God has i store when He shows her how much He believes in her!!
