Ok soooo, if you haven’t read my blog that is titled: Possible Café (it used to be call God’s Plan for My Future) then I would recommend reading that blog first! This blog will make so much more sense!
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Do you ever have those moments when you wonder if what you are doing actually matters? Do you ever question who you are and if you are really being the person God has in mind?
Well coming into Romania, these questions consumed every thought that I had. In Swaziland, I had come to a point where I trusted God with what He was doing in my life! He had showed me who the women of God He wanted me to be. I was working on reached the goal ad I could see who He was creating me to be. It was a daily choice to wake up and say ‘I will follow you today and obey your every word!’ I was finding this new confidence in who I was, I had found my voice and I was trusting people around me. It wasn’t easy but I was done doubting what God had in store for me. Especially since He had found me worthy enough to handle this huge dream of opening up Possible Café!
So it took me for a loop when I entered Romania and all those doubts came back. Satan has decided to take a hold of my identity and to play a game with it. I personally was questioning everything I am doing and I didn’t think people would accept me. I felt like I have to act differently for each person I came in contact with.
For each of my teammates…I have to be someone different for each of them.
For all the people we are ministering to…I have to be someone different for them.
For my family and friends back at home…I have to be someone different for them.
Even for God…I have to be someone different for Him!
The best part is that I KNOW this isn’t right and I SEE who God wants me to be and I SEE the real me but somehow I can’t reach it. I have so many voices telling me what I should or shouldn’t do, telling what I am and what I am not, telling me to lead and not to lead! Then there is God’s voice that is a whisper in the mix of all these other voices and it is exhausting to silence everything else and listen to Him. I was afraid that I wasn’t leading my team the way God wanted me to, I was afraid of what my team would think if I told them what was going on in my head, I was afraid that I wasn’t going to make a difference in ministry and the worse fear that I have was I was afraid that God was going to take away Possible Café from me.
(I do apologize because I know this has to be exhausting to understand! It really doesn’t make sense in my head, so trying to explain it doesn’t always coming out so clearly!)
So here I am in this crazy identity crises and I have no idea what I need to do. I know I need to fight Satan off…I know I need to let my team know what is going …and I know I need to have a date with Jesus!
Thankfully I serve a God who already has everything under control and knew what my heart needed!
I was able to share with my team what was going on and the fear of them telling me that I am weak never happened! Instead they listened to my words and prayed over me! They stepped up and are fighting with me! They covered me with grace and so much love!
The next amazing part was: I was able to have a much needed date with Jesus at a nearby Starbucks! (Yes we found a Starbucks in Romania). For 5 hours it was just me and Him! I truly believe that God was waiting for me to be still and to come to Him. Because in those 5 hours, God reminded me of my heart!
I had brought my Kindle and I started reading a book called Guardian: Portrait of a 15 year old Abduction Victim’s Amazing Rescue by John Pryer! It a crazy true story about a Christian man (John) in his mid-twenties who helped a 15 year old girl escape from a man (a pimp) who bought her for $10 and some cocaine from a friend in her neighborhood! The pimp put her on the streets and forced her to sell her body. John had never met this girl but knew that God had sent him to her. Oh and she was abducted in California!
As I was reading this book, my heart literally was beating faster and faster! I wanted to dive in and save this girl…I wanted to find all the girls in Romania who are entrapped in this awful nightmare and save them…I was ready to fly home and help the women in America be freed from all of this! My heart was aching for these girls! I needed to go and DO SOMETHING! I didn’t want to sit around and wait for someone else to ‘fix the problem!”
Then I felt God say…”SEE ASHLEY…this is WHO YOU ARE! THIS IS WHAT I CREATED YOU TO BE! YOU DO HAVE A PURPOSE! Your HEART is where I shine from! Your HEART will make a difference!
God wasn’t done with His lecture…the next paragraph I read was John saying this:
“I knew that I had been called and I was being chosen. Called and Chosen! Hand-picked…appointed-appointed for this very purpose! I knew this. God revealed this to me in ways that simply cannot be explained…BUT I knew it beyond a shadow of a doubt!”
Then my Ipod switched to the song “Twenty Seven Million” by Matt Redman& LZ7. It’s a song that is fighting for girls in sex trafficking. It challenges people that WE HAVE GOT TO RISE UP AND OPEN OUR EYES UP AND TO BE HER VOICE AND BE HER FREEDOM..SO STAND UP! Tears started flowing down my checks.
Ok…I get the hint! I may be struggling with who I am and what I need to be doing…But God never has doubted who I am! I AM the strong leader that He has called me to be! I DO have a voice! And I AM going to be able to make a difference in so many lives! He has anointed me to change the world…He did call me to step up! And I can’t always explain why He chose me but I believe He did!
I wish I could say that my identity crisis is over….because it hasn’t gone away completely! I have to fight harder because Satan doesn’t want me to succeed! Today….Satan lost! Every day will be a new fight! Sometimes Satan is going to win but I know that at the end of this…He WILL lose this battle! I think Satan forgets that I have God on my side!!!!
It is getting better because I do know my purpose! My identity is in Jesus! I understand that I am not alone and I don’t have to fight alone! I’m excited to see how God is going to use this annoying identity issue I am going through! I am excited for Him to win! I am excited to know that even through my weakness…He still desires me to have Possible Café!
I am excited to see His passion grow!!
The video below is the music video of the song Twenty Seven Million! It has become a song that is near and dear to my heart! Please watch it and listen to the words!!!
