This is probably one of the hardest blogs I’ve tried to write, so bare with me as I try to explain what’s on my heart :]
In the race culture, we talk a lot about a coat, mostly in relation to leadership. Leadership is like putting on a coat. In most cases the sleeves are too long, the shoulders are too broad, and it just doesn’t fit perfectly but the calling to be in that role is obvious. Sometimes the sleeves might fall down again, but God always supplies the grace to get us back right where we need to be. Through experiences, the Lord, and the people around us, the coat starts to fit a little bit better every day – not ever perfectly, but better. And sometimes we go through seasons, literally and figuratively where the coat is just not appropriate for us to wear. Well, the end of last month brought the removal of this coat in my life. It brought lots of freedom and simply life. But with that, it also brought lots of uncertainty as to what the future might hold – what this new team would look like, what it would look like to be free of responsibility and move into a racer role, and simply how to transition through it all.
In thinking through all of these things, the Lord spoke the word “receive” over me. So that’s how I began this month, in the mindset that whatever the Lord had for me during Mozambique, I would receive with joy. Well, we’ve now reached the end of this month and as I sit at my computer trying to process the thoughts and words that are floating around in my head, it’s really hard for me to decipher what it is exactly that I should communicate. If I had to narrow it down to three things that I think the Lord has taught me the most about this month; three things that I was able to “receive” from the Lord, I would say: communication, failure, and community.
Communication
It’s vital. I believe it’s one of the most crucial parts of any relationship. Once we learn how to communicate well and effectively, we can literally change the world. The Lord took me through a process that I’m still walking through now in regards to communication. The phrase, “say what you mean and mean what you say” has been heavy on my heart this month. The Lord is renewing my speech. He is transforming the words that come out of my mouth to bring life and to glorify Him. It’s a process. Sometimes it’s really hard. But I will walk through the fire of refinement in this because I desire the higher things that are of the Lord. It is the desire of my heart to honor the Lord with my voice.
Failure
This word really became clear to my eyes when I was helping build a picnic table. We had no plan, we were eyeballing everything, and we were using wooden pegs. The last little part there…the whole “wooden pegs” thing, might not seem significant to you, but it’s extremely difficult. The likelihood that a peg will break while you’re hammering it into the hole is an 80% chance. Frustration is written all over that. We worked on the table for two days. The first day we worked on it for hours and then had to tear apart half of it because we didn’t measure for the seats to fit. The second day we finally got it standing and had to tear it a part because we didn’t measure again. We made the table too big and didn’t have wood long enough to compensate our mistake. Every time we had to in a sense “start over” the word failure came to my mind. It came in a different way than it ever had before. Yes, we might have been “failing” at the job in a sense, but in that failure, we preserved. The hardest part was realizing the mistake and tearing it down. So many times I wanted to leave it and continue to press forward. But, it doesn’t work like that. It’s kinda like sin. When we’re continuously walking in sin, our lives just don’t feel right. We can’t just “leave” it and avoid what’s so clearly going on. God calls us to a level of repentance, to turn from that sin and seek Him. We learn from our mistakes, confess them to the Lord, and THEN we press forward. Failure…hate it, but it’s so good to walk through and be on the other side now and simply feeling thankful for what the Lord brought to my heart by simply building a picnic table.
Community
It’s hard living in community 24/7. It’s even harder living in mixed community 24/7. I started the race on an all girls team, which felt super natural to me, because for the past 2 years, I’ve lived with 5 and 6 women, all crammed into one little space. This just looks different. At home, I could go to class or work or anywhere to “get away” for a bit. That doesn’t really happen here. At home I didn’t really live on top of my roommates, and sometimes it was common that I wouldn’t see them for a few days or have frequent conversations, that also doesn’t happen here. I’m learning to live in community in a different way. It’s soo good, but it’s also super refining. My “junk” is constantly on display, I’m in vulnerable situations a lot more, and people are always around me, but it’s good. The Lord is transforming my heart to what community really is and how it can take on some many different meanings. It’s been hard making the shift from an all girls team to a mixed team, but yet again the Lord is transforming my heart on what it’s like to truly have brothers around me that support and encourage me. That’s not something I’ve ever had in my life. It’s cool to see something that I feel like I’ve invested a lot in and know a lot about take on a whole new meaning in my life. I’m excited to continue buying in to this community and experiencing all that the Lord has for me in it.
Overall, it’s been a good month. This month has felt incredibly different than any other month. I’m not really sure how to explain all that, but it’s good. I’m excited for what more the Lord has for me on this journey. We're leaving for Swaziland today!
