I'm back from training camp, in the comfort of own home, with running water, hot showers, an abundance of food..and I'm not sure if I love it. The past 8 days of my life have felt like 8 months. The past 8 days of my life have been the most challenging, intense, spiritually filled, emotionally overwhelming, days of my life. The past 8 days of my life are marked by declarations, freedom, and commitment. The past 8 days of my life are only the beginning of this journey that the Lord has called me to.
Panic invaded my mind as I arrived at training camp. Questions like "God, are you sure this is truly your plan for the next year of my life. Are you sure?" consumed my mind. The first three days were self focused. We were challenged by many World Race alum, now staff, to fix our eyes on Jesus and release the burdens and walls that we've built up. To experience the freedom that Jesus so desperately wants for our soul. To literally turn ourselves inside out. The freedom that Jesus wants for us is what we need to declare over ourselves. God doesn't hold us in bondage to past sin. God doesn't hold us in bondage for present sin. God doesn't hold us in bondage for future sin. Jesus paid for that and He is constantly interceding for us.
The fear of the "unknown" kept me distant the first day of camp. I was wrestling with internal doubt, but the Lord knew..He's greater than my own fear. He's greater than my heart. So, I kept clinging to Him, desperately asking Him to show up. "Show up Jesus because I'm lost without You. Show me what you have for me. What is my purpose here". Throughout the week…He showed up.
It all started with this passage in Matthew when Jesus is talking to His disciples:
He said, "Go nowhere among the Gentiles and enter no town of the Samaritans, but go rather to the lost sheep of the house of Israel. And proclaim as you go, saying, "The kingdom of heaven is at hand. Heal the sick, raise the dead, cleanse lepers, cast out demons. You received without paying, give without pay."
– Matthew 10:5-8
This is what the Lord is calling me to. He is calling me to drop my hands, palms up, on bended knee, surrendering everything. My comfort, my priorities, my "way", my fear, my indecision, my doubt, my anxiety, my needs, my wants, my desires, my life. He is asking me to surrender this next year. My race route, my view of God, my idea of adventure, my team, myself. He is asking me to come, humbly before Him ready to be used in whatever way He sees fit. I'm willing. I'm ready.
The Lord is calling me out to be His disciple in the most desperate parts of the world. Oswald Chambers says, "Discipleship means personal, passionate devotion to a person – our Lord Jesus Christ". He also says that, "people pour themselves into their own doctrines and God has to blast them out of their preconceived ideas before they can become devoted to Jesus Christ". I'm willing.
I'm willing Lord. I'm willing Jesus. I will follow.
The Lord did just that this past week. He blasted all preconceived ideas I've ever had of the World Race, of my view of Himself, of my life and my walk with Him. He diminished expectations and withdrew the need to simply "know" things. He increased my trust of Himself. He healed past pain and hurt. He allowed me to release burdens. More than anything, He gave me the grace to walk in the freedom that He continually offers to me. Praise Jesus for freedom.
Stay tuned for more tomorrow as I continue to process through Training Camp.
