Thursday night I found myself experiencing a depth of the Lord that I haven’t experienced in a while. “Different” is the word that He spoke over me this month, and in so many senses of that word, “different” has described this month to a t.
Differences lie in the absence of men, in who is apart of my ministry team, and how much more estrogen surrounds me. And truth be told, differences lie in my heart.
At this point in the race, many racers begin to feel drained – spiritually, emotionally, and physically. 9 months of giving your all, only to pick up and move to another place where you give your all again is hard. But the truth is, no one ever said this journey would be easy.
Thursday night was a night of refreshment. I stood with all my fellow women squadmates and our two married men that have rejoined us for the last week as we worshiped the Lord with our voices and honored our squadmate Wendy, who would be going home the next day. Lyrics fell like daggers over my heart as I searched for the Lord’s voice in an array of emotions.
“I’m desperate Poppa, I’m spent, by your grace will I have the strength to endure through these last two months. I want so many things but I don’t know how to get to those places. I desire so much more of you, but where do I go to get that? This month has held so many differences, but what does next month hold? How much more change, growth, or brokenness can I endure before I reach the end of myself? Why at month 9 am I more concerned with other people’s struggles than my own? What do you have in store for these last 2 months? So many questions with so few answers. Why? Why? Why?”
And then, as I opened my eyes and lifted them to the sky, this is what I saw:
(I took this picture during the daylight so you can see it better. At night there's a light right above the arch)
To you this might look like a wall, some barbed wire, and roots, but to me, in that moment it gave life to every reason the Lord brought me on this race – to be a vessel to those that are trapped and tangled in a rooted mess. To direct the eyes of the broken to the closeness of the light (Jesus). And that through his archway is eternal life, salvation, where true life begins. Despite the closeness of a broken world, mangled messes of what feels like a barbed wired life, there's hope, and there's real life.
That night God opened my eyes to something that I might not have seen before. And that night he opened my heart to keep pressing into the greatness that He has in store these next two months. I believe that in these next two months, I will see someone come to know the Lord. It has been my biggest prayer throughout the race, and the biggest burden that the Lord has put on my heart. He gave me that vision of simple roots, barbed wire, and a single stranded light bulb as a promise that He hasn’t forgotten my prayer.
Pray along side me! I believe in a BIG God. Anything is possible.
