About a week ago I didn’t feel quite right , I couldn’t pin point what was wrong. But I knew it was making me want to run and hide.
I tried to pretend nothing was wrong until I reached my breaking point
I couldn’t be around people anymore
I couldn’t fake my smile.
I couldn’t be the me I want to be…
So I ran .. I ran to my bed and cried out to the father , not knowing how my emotions switch so fast or what to do about them , not knowing what changed my mood was frustrating and scary.
We had a session starting and everything in me wanted to stay in bed and sulk .
But The Lord had different plans.
He told me to get up and fight for what I wanted.
He said it would be worth it to go down. So i did.
At first I was miserable , I sat and listened dreaming of my bed while others shared, until I found out it was my turn to share about the past 8 months .
For once I couldn’t put on the facade of I’ve walked through this and I’m fine now. It wasn’t going to happen. I was too broken down for it. I knew I needed to be honest .
So I did what every part of my body was telling me not to do and I shared with 34 other people how broken I am , how hard that night was, how much harder it’s been , how it’s not something I’m done waking through yiet, how I don’t know how to do this alone .
I’ve realized I’m great with sharing things I’ve walked through but not things I’m currently walking through . When I share what I’ve walked through I feel victorious because I came out on the other side , there isn’t much vulnerability in it . But when I need to share the mess I’m in , it seems like too much to share.
Here’s the thing. The enemy likes us to keep our mouths shut , he delights In making us think we are alone and our words have no power, he enjoys watching us wallow in our insecurities and fears, he loves seing us separate ourselves from those who love us.
The amazing thing is all we need to do is speak . That night he had no more power, that night God used what the enemy intended for harm to unify a squad , to allow others to cover me in prayer , to let others into my mess so they can let me into theirs.
Does this mean I won’t feel that way again ? Probably not
But I know I have a community around me that I can reach out to.
That loves me where I’m at.
That prays for me and encourages me .
God used that whole evening to show me I had 34 others around me who want to love me. I just need to give them the chance .
this whole vulnerability thing is hard
It’s a lot of work
It takes intentionality
And it’s scary.
But the rewards are so worth it .
What is God asking you to let others into ?
What is the thing the enemy tells you your alone in ?
What’s the worst that could happen ?
What’s the best that could happen ?
