I used to think a healthy way to have alone time was to shut the world off for at least one day if not two and sit alone in my room .
I didn’t see this as a problem. I saw this as me processing life when it becomes too much , I saw it as me taking some R&R which just happened to be in a dark room while sleeping all day .
I didn’t see this as a problem until my mentor pointed it out to me that it isn’t normal or healthy .
I had been explaining to her how I’ve found it hard on the race not being able to get away and shut the world off for a few days , there’s days where all I want is to sit in a corner and cry and that be okay .
It’s overwhelming having community constantly and I just want to shut it off at times.
After our conversation I thought about my life back at home and realized it’s probably not a good thing that my friends know that if I don’t answer their messages for two days it’s nothing personal. I’ll be back on the planet soon .
During my late teenage years depression is something that was normal to me , going to work and coming home to sleep at 6pm and doing it again day after day was normal , being scared of the outside world was normal . And even then I didn’t see it as depression or as a problem . I saw it as me being in introvert .
During the race I’ve examined my life more than ever before and realized my depression may have ended when I was 19. But it wasn’t fully gone , the reality is I still wanted to hide in a dark corner sometimes .
The race has forced me to face it head on .
The place we are staying at has been hard , the spiritual warfare has been exhausting . Many nights are sleepless nights were we toss and turn for hours . Some people have seen things or heard things, I’ve had my share of bad dreams And I thought that was the extent of it for me .
Until the other day when the heaviness was too much to bear .
I didn’t want to tell anyone what was going on which is a tactic the enemy uses to keep me silent and from walking in freedom. So I sat in my bed for hours crying .
I wanted to get out of bed so bad but my body wouldn’t move .
There were times all I wanted was a hug. And I knew all I had to do was ask someone but my body wouldn’t move.
I was frustrated and felt defeated . This was the first time on the race I’ve felt like this , feeling like there are bricks on my body and moving is an impossible task .
I was a wreck because I knew I had to go to diner soon where the guys had cooked us an amazing American diner. I felt bad because the thought of going made me even more upset .
The thought of having to fake it made me want to hurl.
Most times I can fake being okay , I put on my happy face and laugh at people’s jokes.
It’s not often that I go to someone and say this is the mess I’m in right now. Not 2 days ago. But right now .
So going to diner and letting people see my puffy red face, ask questions , and know I’m not okay was terrifying .
All I wanted was to stay in bed. And if not for everyone waiting for me and my teammate I sure would have.
After telling my teammate what was going on I felt better, I felt calmer, I felt lighter.
Is that really all it took ?
All I had to do was open my mouth and the enemy would have no more control ?
I was mad because I sat in my misery for hours when all I had to do was TALK,
be vulnerable and trust someone .
That night spiritual warfare became even more real to me . It forced us all to pray over our room before we go to bed. To cover ourselves in the armour of God every day and to praise him when things feel heavy or we don’t feel like it .
Because of the enemy’s attack I’m trusting God even more.
Reading his word and talking to him more .
I’m letting people into my mess, heck I’m letting myself into my mess.
