Often I’m asked to share my story and the more I share it the more I realize just how far I’ve come . How much fear used to rule my life, how every decision I would make would be battle against the voice in my head telling me to stay in bed or that I couldn’t do it .
Before the race I knew fear was part of my story but I hadn’t realized to what extent.
The past few months have been spent reflecting on who I was , who I am and who I want to be . This has made me question many ways of thinking that I have that are normal to me but not healthy .
The song no longer slaves by bethel says “I’m no longer a slave to fear I am a child of God ” this song has been on repeat for months upon months letting it sink in that I’m not a slave to what the enemy wants me to do or not do ,I’m not a slave to my thoughts. I am a child of the almighty and that trumps everything else .
A few days ago the father gave me an image of me dangling off a cliff, the only thing holding me there was a red rope which symbolized my fears ,sins and distrust.
At the bottom there was beautiful blue water which symbolized cleansing and peace that’s where he was sitting waiting for me to let go of the rope
The problem was as much as I hated hanging off that cliff at least I knew what to expect. It was normal to be there, almost comforting .
So letting go was scary even though it was a safe place. It’s scary to let go of the familiar thought patterns and ways of life, because everything else is unknown .
So the father asked me “are you ready to let go yet? ”
At that moment I realized my struggle was less with the enemy and more with myself , I had to choose to let go or to stay on the cliff.
Of course I chose to let go. I chose to trust him .
And every day I’ve had to remind myself of that.
I think so often I can put everything on the enemy saying it’s his fault , but the reality is what am I doing to take control away from him ?
We are not meant to be a victim of the enemy , we were given full authority it’s up to us how we use it .
The other day I got I’m no longer a slave to fear I am a child of God tattooed on my arm ,for me this is not just a song , it is a constant reminder that I have a choice to let fear be present in my life or not . But also a reminder of how far I’ve come , how the enemy has tried to keep me down and I’ve continued to rise back up .
Are there still things that scare me ? Yes
But that doesn’t mean they are going to control me
I say this as I am still walking so much of this out , there are many things that worry me and that try to control me . Most times I don’t realize it’s a problem until I see that it’s not something other people struggle with or think about at all .
So no I definitely have not come to the end of this process, everyday I’m choosing to look further into my past to see why I do things and how to change them .
This race isn’t easy, it’s a process of giving up control and saying yes to the father breaking me and rebuilding me , and I wouldn’t change that for anything.
Although in the moments I do whine and complain , but it would be a shame for me to leave the race at the end of 11 months still struggling with all the same things I started with .
It’s not easy but that’s what makes it beautiful.
