I hopped on the treadmill, flipped on my podcast, and started to walk. It’s simple really, one foot in front of the other. It’s simple, but it isn’t always easy. As I increased the speed, breath escaped me, and I dozed in and out of conscious thought. The pastor in my ear was muted by louder thoughts my mind had pushed to the front. Soon, every bead of sweat and twinge of discomfort stole my focus. How did I get here?
Recently, I’ve been struggling. Falling into old habits, old comforts, and old lies, I’d lost my footing on the ground I had thought I’d gained. It had only been a few weeks, but in those few weeks, I had managed to revert back to making the choices I’d always made.
All of sudden, I heard that pastor loud and clear. He was speaking on the rich young ruler. Jesus had offered him a choice. Upon calculating the cost of that choice he decided to walk away. I think I almost expected Jesus to chase after him, but He didn’t. These last couple of weeks Jesus has unceasingly pursued me, given me countless choices, and watched me walk away. Whether or not I realized it, I was calculating the cost of spending time with and following Him. Each time the price was too high, but still I wondered, how did I get here?
After camp, I was filled. I was overwhelmed by my Father’s love, made whole by His grace, and I caught these beautiful glimpses of what life with Him could be. What I missed, was where I was standing, or more importantly what I was standing on. Possessions, relationships, lies I believed about my value and worth, all MY successes, and everything I loved of this world was in a pile beneath my feet. It was the foundation upon which I had built my life. It was a foundation of sand. Each thing a single grain carefully amassed and put in its place. Shifting with every attempt of upward movement, it pulled me back down. Unsteady and unsure I fought for this pile. I chose this sand, and I forgot what it was like to stand on solid ground.
The sand appeared forgiving and soft, but it could never hold me up. Not like a foundation of truth built brick by brick and cemented together with an unfailing love, a solid, infallible foundation that could not only hold you up but lift you up.
I turned off the treadmill, and headed to the back porch for some fresh air, my heart pleading for this pile of sand, my pile of sand, to be washed away so I could start anew, so I could chose to pay the price that love demands. It was quiet for a moment and then the heavens opened. A steady rain descended upon me as to say the choice was made, but would have to be made again and again, one brick at a time, always simple, but never easy.
