I knew I needed to write this way before I had even heard of the World Race. So while writing this is really hard, God gave me courage at training camp to actually post it.
Whether you’ve met me once or known me for years; this is for everyone…I’m sorry.
I’m sorry for the times I’ve had expectations that are too high for any human to meet.
I’m sorry for the times I’ve been selfish because of my insensitivity from independence.
I’m sorry for holding on to resentment from past pain.
I’m sorry to those who’ve tried, but my walls wouldn’t let you in.
I’m sorry to those I’ve driven away because I was too afraid of being hurt.
I’m sorry to those who have hurt me (yep, that’s not a type-o) because I’ve realized I didn’t really forgive you.
I’m SO sorry to those who have loved me, and then I’ve only hurt you in the end.
And I know this might be weird to say, but mostly, I am sorry to myself.
I have realized that I’ve held on to soooo much crap in my life to the point where it has become my identity and I haven’t been able to escape. While I know this is mostly due to painful experiences in my past, I have believed enough of the enemy’s lies for 23 years of my life and I’m done. Throughout all those years, the lies attached to these events bred blame towards myself to the point where I built walls of pride up against everyone on the outside. Not a pride of vanity or conceit, but a more dangerous pride of not needing others, of independence.
This might have worked for a while, but even independence on the outside can’t heal all the insecurities on the inside. It only helps them grow. And I have allowed it, until now.
Being independent has only robbed me of great relationships because I’ve been too worried about watching my own back or protecting what’s left of my heart. It has put a cap on the friendships that I do have and a wall of intimidation up to those that could have been.
God broke me so much at training camp that it started a war…
I have had enough of this crap. I don’t want to live life alone. I don’t want to have a heart of stone.
I’ve declared war on insecurity. I’m not going to let Satan have a foothold with his lies in my heart anymore.
There’s still so much to process but all I need to do is start.
Start fighting the daily battles
Start taking a stand and seeing my true identity
Start rejecting the lies
Start believing truth
Start grieving past battles so that I can…
Start believing in forgiveness for myself and others.
Start the process of healing.
So if you’ve known me for years now, I’m sure this explains a lot if you couldn’t see it already. But if you’ve just met me or haven’t yet, please know that the “intimidation” does not portray who I really am.
The main thing I heard from God during training camp is to let people in. I’ve been so excited about going out to help people, but He’s taught me something new about helping others; I’m going to have to accept help from others as well.
There will definitely be more to come about training camp, too much for just one blog!
