“Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” James 1:2-4
These words have been haunting me this whole year and I’m beginning to understand why. And May is definitely only the beginning…
I have been fighting doubt like crazy this whole month. Almost to the point where I can’t take it anymore and I just want to give in. Every time I feel confident that God is in control and He is going to provide, WHAM! There’s a wave of “I can’t do this” to follow. All I’m left wondering is “why?”
“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy…” John 10:10
The only answer I can come up with is that just as God has a plan for me, the “thief” also has a separate plan. That plan is to steal, kill and destroy. To make me useless. And lately, it’s been working. I’ve had every negative thought dealing with my ability to succeed in this mission He’s given me. I know that these thoughts are not from God, so why have I been believing them? It might have been easier for me to believe that God has a plan for me, but now I definitely can see how Satan has been trying to ruin that.
Unfortunately for him, God gave me the gift of Faith. One of the biggest surprises I’ve had about myself occurred when I took a spiritual gift test. My top two, Mercy and Service/Giving, weren’t very surprising because I’ve always felt more naturally action-oriented. However, to see Faith in my top three was almost shocking because I’ve always considered worrying to be one of my talents.
“His power is made perfect in our weakness.” 2 Corinthians 12:9
Just because faith might be one of my spiritual gifts, that doesn’t automatically mean that I am strong in this area. God develops these traits in us as we walk through life with Him. I believe that this is exactly what He was doing with me during the month of May. I felt it coming in the beginning where I knew He was going to let me go out on my own to see if I would prove faithful. I just didn’t know that it was going to be this difficult. There was one point where I even started to question my faith, “have I gotten it wrong this whole time?”. Which is exactly what the thief was hoping for; destroying my faith.
Instead, I just waited on God. I tried to persevere by remembering everything God used to point me in this direction, but I still felt that I kept hitting walls. Then when I thought I couldn’t persevere anymore, God came through (of course). Showing His faithfulness in times of complete desperation is one of the best ways that His glory is displayed. Right before I was just about to completely give up, I received a $1000 donation. When we are weak, He is able to show his perfect power because those instances show that we are not in control.
“’Do I bring to the moment of birth and not give delivery?’ says the Lord.” Isaiah 66:9
I know that I do not have it all together. And I never will. But I am so thankful for that because that means more people will see Him instead of me. If Jesus Christ is best seen in my life when I am weak, then I am so glad that I always feel so weak! It’s just hard to see this excitement in that moment.
What I do know is that He is in control and His guidance and providence will continue to sustain me on this journey. It’s been hard, but I know it has to be because His goal is to make me more and more like His Son and that is not an easy task.
“Blessed is she who has believed that what the Lord has said to her will be accomplished!” Luke 1:45
So I guess I can now say that my first expectation of this race is that God would grow me in my Faith in Him, immensely. May might have been a brutal start, but I know I won’t survive a day in the field if He doesn’t continue to prepare me with BIG Faith in Him to keep going.
I believe that God has told me to go on the World Race. I believe that He will provide my needs for this trip. I believe that everything will happen in His timing according to His plan for my life.
I believe that He will accomplish it.
I’ll stand. With my face to the wind, with my back to the world, I will follow You.
And I’ll GO. Where you tell me to go. No, I won’t be afraid. And I won’t turn around.
(lyrics from Stand by Blyss)
