This whole social-issue thing has been throwing me for a loop for several years. Now that I am in the middle of a war with it, I understand why I’ve been hating fundraising so much.
All through college I hardly ever tried to make friends. I was so guarded as a result of my past that I had absolutely no desire to meet people. I found myself even going to church late and leaving early just so I wouldn’t have to feel the pressure of talking to people. Long story short, I only started being comfortable with talking to people once I really let Jesus in my life. And this was in more of an “I’m comfortable with who I am” than a “Do you know Jesus? He’s great!” kinda way.
Last summer is where God started to bring me back to my childhood. I was studying abroad on this amazing ship with 750 people and I was having the hardest time meeting people. Semester at Sea was a dream of mine for several years and it was starting to feel like a jail cell. It’s a horrible experience to feel alone on a ship with over 1,000 people on it. This is where God started to show me that being independent does not equal being strong. Just because I’m afraid of getting hurt doesn’t mean that I can protect myself by being independent. This is where Satan thrives and he is the biggest bully of them all.
I learned so much about myself through this experience. It was like God opened my eyes to what my whole life had been up to that point. I have the desire to love and help people, but because of my past being filled with hurt and anger, I resulted to a direction of helping people indirectly by first helping the environment. I’ve realized a lot of my passion towards environmental issues is tied to large social issues; access to clean water, healthy food sources, pollution. But I don’t want to live a life that is a result of bad experiences in my life. I want to live the life God has for me. A life where the freedom that Christ offers allows me to truly forgive others and for me to be the woman God designed me to be. To live His will for my life, not some side-tracked path.
In the beginning of fundraising, I was doubting God's faithfulness with fundraising simply because it was so hard for me to just talk to people. I could not imagine even getting to my first goal of $3500 with the way fundraising was going in May.
However, my God is WAY bigger than any fears or doubts I might have and He made it possible for me to go to training camp. He gave me just enough, just when I needed it. I believe that He does this not to keep us on our toes, tortured until He finally comes through, but instead to keep us completely humbled and trusting in Him to come through when we can't.
Even as I sat here writing this in Starbucks, I felt that God wanted me to speak to someone. But I blew it. I was too worried about what to say. I haven’t figured out what it is that holds me back from these situations but I know God has me in a growing process.
The main thing God kept telling me at training camp is “STOP running away. Let people help you.” He knows that we need each other, He designed it that way. So that’s what I’m doing, taking a stand against independence, honestly sharing my heart about my past, and letting people in to help me. Please help me by praying that God will break down my walls. That I would be able to open up and just talk to people so that He can use me to share His love with people in a direct way.
My World Race doesn’t start September 5th. God started His work for it in me a year ago on Semester at Sea, when I hadn’t even heard of it. Is that faithful or what?
