What to do when your heart hides.

I remember the night they told us. 



I remember how those words sounded coming out of their mouths even if the words stopped hitting my heart. I remember the fear that entered the room suddenly as if it had been hiding in the cupboards or under the carpet all this time. I remember the look in both their eyes that told me they were sorry as if brokenness arrived and started bleeding in that room.



I remember the night my parents told us they were getting a divorce. 



I remember the shock as if someone had slapped me across the cheek with intention and it was like my heart did not know how to respond, as if it was doing all it could to feel something or soak in something or say something, but it couldn’t. And so it did all it knew to do, it shut down.



It was like my heart went into hiding. 

There were so many things. Things before that moment. Things after that moment. Conversations. Events. Relationships. Things that went wrong, things that went well, things that broke me, thing that healed me.



But these were just things and what I so deeply wanted to know was where my heart was.



It was like my insides had suddenly become filled with holes and  no matter how much you told me you loved me, it would never satisfy.  Words after words were dropping right through me like water through a broken pail. But I was hungry.



I was starving for something. 



There were so many days I woke up and it was like I left my heart in my bed that morning, conversations were had without it.  And for years that is how I knew Jesus, that is how I knew people, that is how I knew myself.

It is like these things happen and sometimes they are not even big things but the littlest of things and they overwhelm us, they overtake us, they convince our hearts to go to sleep for awhile.



And sometimes if we can’t hide, we run to the caves of escape using media, addiction and constant noise because maybe it will be safe there, maybe it will stop hurting there. But it doesn’t, the heart just slumbers.



The thing that I am learning is that He is perfect at drawing out our hearts out from the things we hide from and escape into. And since I have been on the Race, this is exactly what Jesus has been putting His finger on, this is exactly what He has been doing. Because the things I can hide in have been pulled away from me and here is where I stand. 



It is like I can see us, our hearts like little children shaking in our rubber boots afraid of the storm, wanting nothing more than to hide under those blankets in our bed once more. And He is out there, playing in the rain and He keeps calling for us, keeps telling us to come, just step out a little, take hold of Him. Covered in freedom like if you touched Him even for a moment, every chain would snap off you in an instant. His passion exuding in His every syllable, His every moment.



But maybe we give up, go to sleep a little longer, still afraid, still unsure. But each time we go to that window, He is still there.



He is still asking us to come. 

It is like your heart is awakening to this idea that maybe it could feel again if only you’d just touch Him. 



And I have been learning how to teach my heart how to touch His.



He is more safe than I realize, He is more beautiful than I know, and He is better than I could ever even dream. 



Sometimes I just need to urge it, like a gentle push outside the door, go to Jesus. Dear heart, go to Jesus. Dear heart, I know you want to hide right now but it is not worth it, go to Jesus. Go to Jesus and even if you say nothing, even if all you do is collapse in His arms, you are waking up to the truth that He is here to stay.



We all have different escapes set up like refuge spots in the middle of a war: media, entertainment, money, food and sex. But before we go to these things and lose ourselves in them, let’s give it a try. Let’s give our heart a little encouragement, a little push, a little shake, whispering in it’s deepest caves and caverns to go to Jesus.