Shattered. It all started with a recent, painful blow of unanticipated trial. Isn’t that the way it always goes? Life seems to be progressing about as favorably as possible this side of heaven, when suddenly WHAM. Where did that come from?! I found myself in a head-on collision with a trial I never saw coming.
What was that for? I found myself silently complaining to an even more silent God. And yet, the Spirit in me was putting up a fight for my weak faith against my tyrannical circumstances. I could sense spiritual warfare unfolding around the battle ground of my heart. Something significant was going on here. It took me several days to figure it out.
Suspicion. I am suspicious that God allows and even plans trials for His children. Ouch. Why would He do this? I am coming to believe that one of His many reasons is to shape my identity. I don’t know about you, but I am a master at deceiving myself when it comes to identity. God uses trials to test whether we have truly embraced the humble, scarred-love identity of our Savior by dying to self, or if we are still trying to approach life as a greedy consumer. This current trial is teaching me that to claim a Christ-like identity is not the same as actually embracing and acting upon it.
Selfish. You see, I have this alter ego. Her name is American. Let me introduce you. She likes to have things her way. She is just as protective of her rights as a mother bear of her cubs. She gorges herself on comfort and entertainment. She craves the nicotine of independence . She is the center of her world, and nothing can persuade her otherwise.
What does being American have to do with my trial? Well, just as I was ready to embrace my suffering in Jesus fashion, this alter ego raged out of nowhere. She positively insisted on her rights and entitlement, wanting justice and blessing and a manicured life of perfection. My initial thoughts of WWJD were suddenly being hijacked by this other voice. I know Jesus asks us to forgive and accept the resulting scars, but what about not being a door mat for others? And yeah, I know I need to consider others better than myself, but I mean, I do need to look out for myself.
Spirit. Thankfully, the Spirit indwelling me raised some big red flags the second these thoughts entered into my mind. I immediately recognized them as characteristic of a culture founded on personal rights and thriving on comfort. The Bill of Rights was brutally attacking the disposition of the Suffering Servant in my heart and mind. As I thought about this, I realized that it is because I have been trying to coexist as an American and a Christian.
Obviously, I am an American. But there is a difference between being a geographical citizen of America, and living in accordance with the stereotypical values, mindset, and goals of a consumeristic person steeped in the American culture. This identity is at complete odds with the values, mindset, and goals of Christ.
Sojourner. God is jealous for me, in the most beautiful way possible. His jealousy allows me to hurt sometimes, so that I can learn to depend on Him more fully and die to myself more completely. The Bible calls me a sojourner and alien on this earth. I may be a temporary citizen of the United States, but I am a permanent citizen of the Kingdom of God. I cannot become like Christ by seeking my own rights; I can only become more like Jesus by dying to myself daily. I praise God for allowing trials in my life to shape me to become more like my Suffering Servant.
