"I would be surprised if someone told me my DNA was the same now as it was before the race."
– Ricki Smith
– Ricki Smith
A few days ago I was meeting with my team in Nepal. We were sitting atop a massive rock, atop a beautiful mountain, enjoying each other and this magnificent place that God had placed us. As part of our team time we discussed our beliefs, what was different and what was the same. My team leader had asked a specific question: "What is Jesus to you?" As you can expect we all had different answers. Words like "Saviour" and "Obedience" were spoken with such confidence. Then it was my turn and I quickly stumbled through my beliefs, what I was certain of and what I was clueless about still, and then I stopped. What is Jesus to me? Yes, everyone's answers were so beautifully true…but they weren't mine. After a slight pause the words came so surely that I did not have time to second guess.
"Jesus to me is love. And He is freedom. Freedom from who I was."
You see, there's a lot I did not understand before the race. To me, all it meant to be a Christian was to know that there was a God, to be able to say, "yes, Jesus died on the cross for my sins." It did not matter what I did, who I did it with, what I said, what I drank or smoked, because in the end I never denied God existed. The Bible was just a book full of stories that I proudly placed on my nightstand, yet never once picked it up. The cross around my neck was a declaration of a faith I wasn't even able to comprehend.
Just like I've seen in so many others, my actions and my heart did not match my words. My claim to Christianity was only visible if I were asked. I was a hypocrite, a liar, a lost soul and I didn't even realize it. While I thought I was safe and secure I was hurting my Heavenly Father with every party I held, with every man I let take His place in my life. And still, I had no clue.
When you leave home and throw yourself in the midst of God fearing people, it doesn't take long to have your issues placed on a silver platter in front of your face. Suddenly you have people who are speaking the words you have grown so accustomed to, yet could never fully express. All your pain, your shame, your confusion is brought to light. The mess of a person you hadn't the slightest idea you were is reflected in the mirror, and the facade you were portraying is suddenly cracked and falling in broken pieces at your feet.
You are a sinner. You are filthy. You are unworthy of grace.
In those dreadful moments of realization, of shame, and of utter disgust in yourself and the life you have lived, you find yourself so easily upon your knees. Your hands shake with the unbelief that you have forsaken such a pure love for things so unimportant. Your lips tremble with words you cannot bring out in the open. The helplessness is paralyzing. The hope seems to dwindle to nothing in mere moments of discovering the fate you have bestowed upon yourself.
What more do you have than to completely breakdown? Where else can you turn but to a Man whose whole life was lived only to wash away the shame you are undoubtedly decaying from? It's a light at the end of a long tunnel, one you are running to as fast as your fleshly legs can take you. But suddenly, as if on cue for the moment you cannot bear to run another step, your fleshly abilities begin to fade and the wings of a spirit you have always longed to carry you is sweeping you ever closer to that bright light. To a pure light. A heart changing light.
That right there, that is freedom. That is the moment when the truth is revealed to you, not in a way that makes it so simple to backslide, but in a way that makes you stay. It draws you in like a beautiful melody and grasps you like the romance of a sweet novel. There are no words to describe the yearning to be near such a love. You're life is whole, is broken free from the tainted chains of a life of deadly desires and your feet are set ever so gently on the firm foundation of an undeniable love.
You are a saint. You are pure. You, my dear, are free.
I know now, six months into this amazing journey around the world that God chose specifically for my life, that I can go home a different being. Like Paul, a man whose job was to kill Christians, was transformed into a man whose new life goal was to tell the world about a love so pure, to tangible, so extraordinary, that it could set even the most enslaved free. All it took was God revealing His love to Paul. "But when God, who set me apart from my mother’s womb and called me by his grace, was pleased to reveal his Son in me so that I might preach him among the Gentiles, my immediate response was not to consult any human being." (Galatians 1:15-16) When we realize the love our Father has for us, and I mean truly realize it, feel it, NEED it, and learn that we are not whole without it, that's when we give up everything we have and allow ourselves to be free.
You have been set free from sin and have become slaves to righteousness. (Romans 6:18)
Update: I am just a few short days from my final deadline and I am still about $3,600 from my goal. If you feel called to donate please do not hesitate! Any little bit helps!
