It was my first year spending Christmas without my family. I thought waking up and not being with my family would be the hardest part of the day, but I was totally wrong. The morning of Christmas was probably one of the most emotional days of my Race for a reason I never would have guessed. I have been praying for the past four months that the Lord would break my heart for what breaks His and He did exactly that on Christmas.
As I woke up and entered the living room to open gifts with all of the girls in the orphanage we have been living in it hit me harder than ever that for some of the girls this was their 10th, maybe 13th Christmas without a family. I found myself tearing up as I watched them open up gifts and yell out thank you to people they didn’t even know. They were filled with so much joy, not knowing the difference, while my heart just hurt knowing what it’s like to spend Christmas with a forever family. I was filled with questions like “why don’t these kids have parents?”, “how many more Christmas’s will they spend without a family?”, “why on earth am I so blessed to have a family that is sitting and waiting to skype me on this special day?”. Even as I sit here and type up this blog, I am finding myself choked up thinking about all the incredible girls I got to spend this past month with and the idea that they all don’t have families.
Yes, Sarah’s Covenant Home is incredible and way better than any government orphanage, but still, that is not where anyone should grow up. The people working there can only show each of the 18 girls so much love and care. The Home is supposed to be a temporary solution and yet some of them may literally spend their entire lives living there. My heart just hurts thinking about how some may never experience the love of a parent and will never have a family of their own. It hurts to know that they one day will realize that they were abandoned by their own parents. I just can’t imagine what that feels like.
For the past few days since Christmas, I have found myself frustrated and feeling helpless that there is nothing I can do to change the fact that they don’t have a family. I keep wondering “why me, why do I have so much, while they have so little?”. I can’t help but wonder why did the Lord bless me with such a loving and supportive family while some of these kids will never get to experience that. It just doesn’t seem fair to me, it isn’t. I wish more than anything that I could adopt and take them all home with me now and yet I know that I am not in a position of being able to do that right now.
I hate that I don’t have a solution to this problem. I hate that some of the kids have been abandoned because of their disabilities and physical deformities. It is so wrong. This world can be really horrible at times. With how much my heart hurts thinking about the corruptness of the things of this world, it makes me realize how much more God’s heart must break as well. I am so thankful that all of the children have a Father who loves them indefinitely, but right now I can’t help but wish they also had earthly parents.
The kids at Sarah’s Covenant Homes have forever stolen my heart. They have taught me how to love and at times what felt like as a mother. They have pushed me closer to the Lord as I sit here and feel His pain. I am trying to comprehend what this means for my life, why is God breaking me so much for orphans? I don’t know the answer, but wow, as much as I hate how I feel right now, I also don’t ever want to forget. The Lord is meeting me in my brokenness and growing me through these tough experiences.
If you have never asked the Lord to break your heart for what breaks His, it’s a scary prayer, but I challenge you to consider doing it. I still have a lot to learn, but feeling the pain of our Father’s heart is growing me closer and more dependent on Him every day.
P.S.
If you have any interest in helping support some of the kids at Sarah’s Covenant Home, I have three kids that I am specifically trying to advocate for by getting them monthly sponsors! The kids at Sarah’s Covenant Home need $300 a month for all of their living, medical, etc. expenses. The three kids I am advocating for are Joel (who needs $205), Stella (who needs $300) and Eloise (who needs $300). You do not need to do the full $300 a month, even just $25 a month makes a huge difference. Email me at [email protected] if you have any interest in being a monthly sponsor or a one-time donation. I am not allowed to publicly share their pictures and stories, but I would love to share them with you via email as well!
