This past week has really been a growing week for me. I invited God to search my heart for areas that I was having trouble giving over to him and man did he answer my prayer. I want to share with you one of the big areas that God worked in this week. I think that a lot of us struggle with self-worth issues in our life. I have always know that I did but I didn’t realize how deep it went until I let God into the darkness! I had to do a lot of praying to have the courage to share this but I believe God is going to use this to be able to shine some light on other people’s darkness! So here it goes!
January 26, 2016
Today Lila, Aubrey and I went shopping for some cute dresses to wear all the time. I tried on 4 or 5 outfits but nothing really looked good. I would stand in the mirror and just see all that was wrong with my body. So I started to get down on myself. It didn’t help that my gorgeous teammates got these amazingly beautiful dresses. So I put on a smile to cover up my pain and we go onto the next place. The next place we went I knew that there were a couple of dresses that I knew I would look great in. I had scoped them out the day before! I went and grabbed the two dresses that I really wanted to try on. Much to my surprise they didn’t fit me. I couldn’t believe it. I had gained weight not lost weight on this trip. The downward spiral just got worse. I went and put my clothes back on and walked out of the store with a broken heart and nothing in hand.
We get back home and my teammates who knew nothing of what was going on in my heart or mind because I have become a pro at hiding my negative emotions. My teammates went and showed their dresses to our other teammates. As I set in the family room listening to the devils voice inside my head, I could hear the ohh and ahhs of seeing my teammate’s dresses. One of my teammates came in and asked me if I was hungry and if so what I would like for dinner. My first response was no, I’m not hungry. I can seriously not gain any more weight. Then I told her that I wasn’t feeling good so I’m not eating. Which isn’t a complete lie because my heart does hurt. My soul ached to be enough, to be beautiful, to be loved. So I set on the chair as everyone helped make dinner in the kitchen.
While sitting in the silence God revealed to me that even back home and even now that I put so much emphasis on my looks and how I feel. But deeper than that God showed me that I look at myself with no self-worth, with no love. That I don’t ever feel worthy of God’s love or any other love for that matter. I don’t know yet when this came into my life or how exactly deep it goes but I felt it revealed to me that night as I set in my chair. I remember writing in my journal that I wanted to scream and shout to my teammates that i don’t feel beautiful, that I am not feeling loved by God. I wanted to let them in, let them hold me as I cried it out but my pride told me that I shouldn’t, that I need to keep it together. So that is what I did. I decided that I would eat but that I wasn’t going to tell them what was going on in my heart.
Next day January 28th
I was doing my devotion time with God and I just couldn’t focus. My thoughts are everywhere but on God. Then I felt this nudge again to tell my team what is going on in my life. To bring it to the light as we like to say here on the worldrace. So I pray about it and bring it to God first. I tell him all that is going on and he tells me that he made the church so that they can also love you the way I love you. That’s when I knew I had to bring it to my team.
I called the team together and told them I had some feels as we call it on my team to share. I tried to explain what was going on in my heart but it wasn’t making sense because I was trying to make it sound less important than it was. So I decided to just read exactly what I put in my journal. So while pacing back in forth in front of them I told them how I was feeling. I made it about half way before choking up. I kept my eyes in my journal never making eye contact with them at all. When I was done I looked up and they just smiled at me and got up and hugged me. They didn’t try to fix me or tell me that I shouldn’t be crying or feeling that way. They just held me as I cried it out.
Even after telling them My heart was aching, God had just opened up a scab that had been on my heart for years. But what came with that hurt was hope. Hope that I would soon find out what it was like to be loved, to feel loved and to have love for myself. God has used my obedience of taking it to him and to the light in a way that I could have never imagined. Every day he has showed me new ways that he loves me. It has grown my relationship with him so much. He has started to show me who I really am in him and in my heart!!! GOD IS SOOOOO GOOD!!!
My prayer for you is that you will let God give you the courage to bring whatever it is that you are struggling with to the light. I What it is that he is begging you to let him into your darkness? It will be hard and painful but the reward is better than you could ever imagine!
Love you all,
ashley
