A few weeks ago at training camp I learned a ton about grace. What it looks like, how to give it and how we should look at people through God’s grace! I am so excited because I look at people now and i don’t see the bad in them, I see the Jesus in them! One of my favorite things to do is to tell people how I see the good in them, how I see jesus in them! It always lights up their faces! People need to hear more often how great they are!
so after coming home from training camp I start trying to process all that happened there. I started to ask God a ton of questions that I never have before. As I set there silently listening to God I just kept getting the word grace pop into my head. So then I would go try harder to show people grace, I tried harder to love them. The more i did it though the more the word kept showing up in my head. So I started to get mad. I kept asking God am I not showing enough grace, am I not doing this right?
Thats is what my heart got wrecked. God opened the flood gates of things that I haven’t show myself grace to. I am so hard on myself for everything that I do. he showed me that I don’t forgive myself for anything. so I know this is going to sound silly but I am really hard on myself when I have a bad day. When I don’t constantly have a smile on my face I get mad at myself. I know it’s sillly but I do it. In my mind I am saying that I hate people when I don’t have a smile on my face. I am hard on myself about having ADHD. Which is crazy because God is the one who made me like that so he must love it. there is so many other things that I don’t let God show his grace onto me. I know in my head that i shouldn’t think this way but for some odd reason I do.
I wish I could say that after tons of praying and reading the bible i can now receive grace but that’s not the case. I am still struggling but what I have now is HOPE! Hope that God is going to work on my heart to help me receive grace. i know that this is going to be a painful process, I am going to have to deal with events and emotions that I would rather not deal with but I know that at the end I will be able to stand victoreous in God!
So for now I go on praying and reading the bible! I go on with life and now when I start to notice myself being hard on myself I ask God to help me, ask him to show me his love. Is there anything God is trying to say to you, any words that he keeps popping in your head?
