I miss home. I miss seeing my family everyday, not having to share everything, being able to go to coffee by myself, driving, being home alone, and not being surrounded by the same people every second of the day.
Sure you have ways of getting away and you’re not always with everyone. But what do you do when the same faces you’ve seen the past 18 years disappear and you’re surrounded by strangers you barely know and call each other ‘family’.
Then you throw in the time change and when you’re crying at 11:03am (on the balcony because it’s the only hiding spot I know) and its only 3:04am back home so you can’t really call home (but when you do call the wifi gives out because 7 people are using it as well). And on top of all of this you have to depend on people the same age as you when all you really want is for an adult to be there to tell you its going to be okay because they have more wisdom than an 18 year old.
But this is apart of growing up right? The leaving the nest and preparing for this thing called life.
If you know me I love very deeply to the things that mean the most to me. And sometimes change is really hard. It’s overwhelming and my anxiety increases. I usually can go to my mom or dad and they know exactly what to say. Or in school I always had a mom figure who I knew I could go to them for a hug and that would help until I got home to hug my real mom.
We can also add in that my love language is physical touch and the only people I want to hug are my parents. I miss coming up to my mom while she was talking to someone and just hugging on her and she’ll carry on with her conversation.
I knew coming on this trip would be hard & challenging. But it’s different talking about it and actually experiencing it. It’s also hard when you’ve had so many off days and you see other teams start their ministry.
This all would be a little easier if we could be doing something to distract the mind from being sad. But God never said it was going to be easy.
I truly love it here, I do. I have made so many new relationships and our hosts are amazing! The good days overweigh the bad. It’s just today, another off day, I woke up yearning for home. I forgot where I was for a brief second and almost got up to walk to my parents room. So instead of getting up I kept sleeping hoping that this unfamiliar pain would go away. But instead it followed me into the shower and back into our room.
I know that God is with me and He’s here whenever I need him. I can talk to him about all my problems and lean tightly onto him. Sometimes I just need an actual human being to hug me and stroke my back. Let’s just say I need a bit extra love today.
There’s no big meaning behind all of this or how I learned something. I know there will be but as of right now, on my balcony hiding away, I just know that I’m sad and wanting to be home. But I also know that being here is better than being home. I don’t want to act older than I am by giving this a huge meaning. I am only 18 trying to figure out how this world works and where I fit into it.
I love and miss all of you.
