I wasted college.
Not in the typical way you are thinking with drinking and promiscuity, although, there was some of that too. I mean it more in the sense that I refused to let the Lord be a part of most of it.
Take a journey with me…
I hated my college after I broke up with that guy freshman year. Part of the repercussions of being the "it couple" on campus is that once it is over, everyone has to choose a side. Most people were nice about it, but I still felt like I got the short end for sure.
I was bitter.
I was lonely.
I was outrageously angry.
I wanted to transfer. Badly.
I came very very close …twice.
However, even in my darkness, I heard a voice, let's call it Hope, and Hope said very very quietly… "wait, be patient. just, wait." WAIT?? why?? There is nothing for me here, Hope! All of my friends are gone, I almost failed out, and my life is a literal shell of a girl that used to be happy.
I DO NOT WANT THIS!!
Screw you, Hope. I am done. I am out!
…I stayed.
Angry, bitter, lonely, broken- I stayed.
I complained, cried, and waited.
I grasped for help, I was desperate for peace, but I waited, albeit impatiently, I stayed.
This period was one of the worst in my life. I can remember one night distinctly. It was sophomore year and I didn't have a roommate and was about to go to bed when I heard my ex outside of the door saying good night to the two girls who were my absolute best friends before all of this. I LOST IT. I am talking middle of my floor full body heaves Grey's Anatomy type sobbing. My life was wrecked. I was trying to go about it alone and I was attempting to fill the void that I had shoved Christ out of.
As I am crying while I write this, it is very, very hard to put into words what this time in my life actually felt like. I was so hurt. I was so angry. I was so lost. I kept hearing Hope talk to me, but I kept ignoring it because I mean really?! what could possibly make this better?
It was then, in the darkness that He began to call to me. "My daughter, my beautiful child, I am begging you to give me your burdens. I desperately long for you to take my yoke. Take my burdens and have me take yours. Please, beloved, follow me out of this. Take my hand. Allow me to replace your heart of stone." I fought and fought and fought… I think, if I am honest with myself, I was still fighting even up until the past year or so.
I just didn't feel like I was worthy of rescue.
When I realized this, I stopped dead in my tracks. Wait, He DIED for my rescue. He LONGS for me. He PRAYS for me. This destroys me in the most beautiful way.
In Deuteronomy chapter 30, it says "Even if you have been banished to the most distant land under the heavens, FROM THERE the Lord your God will gather you and bring you back." HOLY CRAP!! Say what??!! It goes on to say "Now what I am commanding you today is not too difficult for you, or beyond your reach. It is not up in heaven so that you have to ask, "Who will ascend into heaven to get it and proclaim it to us so we may obey it?" Nor is it beyond the sea, so that you have to ask, "Who will cross the sea to get it and proclaim it to us so we may obey it?" No, the Word is very near you; it is in your mouth and in your heart so you may obey it."
Mind. Blown.
So, what this is trying to tell me is that Hope was right!? I truly am being pursued by the love of Christ!? Even in the darkest place I could ever go!!?? That doesn't seem right, that doesn't seem fair!
Therein lies the most beautiful paradox I could ever imagine: Christ LOVES his children and there is NOTHING we can do to make him love us less. Romans tell us that "while we were still sinners, Christ DIED for us." Not after, WHILE. Absolutely heartbreakingly awesome and beautiful.
I am being restored and renewed by his mercy and love what feels like every single second lately. I am repeatedly begging Psalm 90:14 "Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad ALL OUR DAYS."
(P.S. the Lord has restored both of the relationships with those girls. So, His healing TRULY covers all things.)
May Hope call into the depths of your life and may the spirit of the Lord be upon you to give you the strength to listen AND run hard after Him instead of away from His mercies.
