I did not sign up for this. I signed up to save the world. I did not realize this trip was about ME! I thought I would go on a trip learn about 11 different countries and do some awesome mission work along the way. I didn’t realize I would have walls that were built up for 28 years broken down. I did not realize how much small town living, family morals, religious views, cultural expectations, past failures, and future dreams really had shaped my life. Now I am learning to unlearn these things.
I have cried more in the past week than I ever have. I don’t understand it sometimes, but I am learning that it’s a healthy thing. This all started for me in Brasov at the Awakening Conference. I had prayed for brokenness but didn’t realize what this truly meant until now. God began to show me things that I needed to give up and be broken from. I realized that I had been an extreme extrovert to hide the hurt on the inside. I didn’t want to show others that I was hurting on the inside because I thought I would look weak. God has broken me from this. I now know that I need to be honest and it’s ok to show I’m hurting on the inside. I also had to forgive Russell my ex-husband. I wanted to blame him for our divorce and it wasn’t just his fault. It was as much mine as his. I also was broken from leaning on other people and things instead of dealing with the situation and leaning on God. This was the easy part of this process. Recognizing what I needed to be broken from. Now I have to walk in them.
I am now walking in this process. I am giving my all to this journey. I want to experience the fullness of God and all He has for me. I want to press in no matter how hard it gets. I remember saying here I am God.
I have always heard be careful of what you ask for and now I know why. I have had more bad days than good ones since this prayer. I am ok with that though. Relying completely on God is not easy. Giving God all of me and dying to myself is not something that happens in a day. It takes walking in the valley and climbing to the top and going back to the valley many times. I will stay in the valley as long as I need to because it is worth every tear and heart ache. The past two weeks I have cried out to God and given up things in my life that I had become content with. I started with being honest with my team and not acting like I was happy. I shared with them that the realization that this is my life for the next 9 months has set in and that I was not sure I was happy with that . I don’t like that I have no freedom or way to escape. I also had to admit that I wasn’t my team’s best friend. I was their family. I realized families don’t choose each other and that you love your family through the good and bad. Our family is learning to tolerate the things we wouldn’t from friends and love unconditionally. I have had moments that I couldn’t keep my mouth shut, but I’m learning to handle these situations in a loving way instead of a rude one.
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re is a lot going on in my mind and heart and the hardest part is not letting my emotions control me. I cant let them take over. How do I not let them control me though? I cant let the roller coaster of my emotions control me so I have to stand firm in what I believe and know. I have to know that Christ loves me even though I don’t feel it. I have to know He is there when I am at my lowest. I have to realize He celebrates with me when I am standing on the mountain after a hard climb to the top. This isn’t an easy thing to do and each day I have to be reminded my relationship is not based on my feelings. it’s a commitment to die of myself and to become more like Christ.
