April 19, 2013
A slamming bathroom door served as my final rouse from a fitful night of sleep. Afraid I would miss my 5:30 AM alarm, I’d tossed and turned all night, waking every hour or so in honor of my subconscious fear. I glanced at my alarm clock. 5:00 AM. Only slightly annoyed by thirty minutes lost, I consented to simply stay awake, laying in the still darkness of our dormitory style bedroom.
‘Do I really want to do this?’ I found myself questioning. Every excuse or escape plan possible surged through my mind. ‘Maybe it will rain and our contact will say we can’t go!’ ‘I could just tell everyone I don’t feel well – there is plenty of congestion in my chest for proof!’ ‘You’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all, right?’ The morning air did little to deter my thought pattern on my trek to the bathroom, and honestly sent me running straight back to the warmth of my bed. I knew, though, exactly what my heart truly wanted.
Today, I was meant to climb a mountain!
All month long as I’ve tilled in the garden, played with children on the playground, taught lessons at Care Points, walked the local paths and ‘done life’ in Nsoko, Swaziland, I’ve been surrounded by God’s miraculous design of mountain-meets-the-plains. And when you’re living on the plains, the mountains seem to taunt you, beckoning you to test your might against any one of the unwavering towers. Our crew started talking about climbing one of them almost the moment we arrived, and when our contact, Erica, and one of our ministry partners, Mxolisi, offered to lead an expedition, most of us jumped at the chance!
One cup of imitation coffee, a banana and two slices of toast later, I was ready to rock. Backpack strapped on, water and toilet paper in tow, and a borrowed camera at the ready – I was all set! Let’s do this! At 6:00 AM, eleven World Racers piled into vehicles that would take us to the base of our challenge, and from there we were literally going to hoof it – goat path style! Excitement bubbled in my gut as we drove; others talked about how they’d seriously considered just staying in bed earlier in the morning, and I silently smiled while remembering my own mental debate. I was perfectly glad to be along for the adventure!
Soon enough, we reached the stopping point for our cars, and ditched them on the side of the road to begin our trek. Our ‘guide’ (Mxolisi) gave us a few rules – don’t touch the foliage (most of it is poisonous) and be mindful of the loose rocks along the trail. As he put it, “On loose rocks, things will happen.” Onward and upward!
The first fifteen minutes or so were effortless enough – terrain stayed fairly easy and the incline was gradual. No problem. Before long, though, we reached the fun stuff! I’m no avid hiker, mind you, but I’ve done enough to know the basics. I can usually hold my own and I can definitely keep up with the pack. Normally. This mountain, however, was apparently bound and determined to show me just how inadequate I was for this climb. As the gradient increased, I found myself falling farther and farther behind from the “leaders.” Sweat dripped from the tip of my nose, from the ends of my hair and even from my ear lobes. Breathing became laborious and my body physically hurt.
Then the mind games started. ‘Wow, Ash, a year ago you could run five miles without any problem. What happened to you?’ ‘Your rock climbing friends wouldn’t think much of you right now.’ ‘You’re holding everyone up. Everyone wishes you would have just stayed in bed this morning.’ As I continued to let thoughts like these penetrate my mind, climbing only became more difficult. Every fiber of my being wanted to stop. This was hard! I had thought it would be fun. Sure, I’d anticipated it would test me, but not like this! I consider myself a whole lot stronger than this mountain was leading anyone to believe; maybe it was time to just save face and quit while I was ‘ahead’?
Well, I might have wanted to quit, but unfortunately for whatever force stood against me, Castle’s are a stubborn breed. I trudged on, and soon a different brand of thoughts came rushing toward me. ‘You deserve a break.’ ‘Your legs are seriously going to give out if you don’t let them rest.’ ‘There is nothing you can do to make yourself feel better right now. You might faint and fall off the side of this mountain if you are stupid and keep pushing forward. Then you’ll have ruined things for the entire group. Don’t be silly. Just stop and wait for everyone else here.’ For a moment, whatever voice kept feeding me these lines began to make sense. I’d worked hard to get to where we were – almost ¾ of the way up the mountain. Maybe I really should consider calling it good?
Similar mind games concerning The World Race have been played in my head throughout the past few weeks. One day I was by myself, tilling in the community garden, when an unexpected thought hit me. ‘You’re so done with team leading. Your team has outgrown you. You’re actually holding them back.’
What the heck?!?
Other thoughts along those lines followed a few days later. ‘You deserve a break. You’ve been pushing into leadership since month four. You’re tired and you’ve worked hard. Where you are is good enough. You’ve earned the right to be done if that’s what you want.’ This has confused the heck out of me. I’ve never known God to condone “quitting,” but I’ve certainly learned that He takes us through seasons. He calls us to different challenges, different places, different jobs, and different people… It’s seemed to me that maybe this is what He is trying to do with me.
But on the other hand, I know that Satan can fill my head with any amount of lies. He will tell me I can’t do things, highlighting my inadequacies. Or, in reverse, He can sometimes lead me to believe I’m overqualified and that I should be more highly revered for what little I am actually doing. He can use seemingly good and logical ideas, like “take a break,” to lure me away from God’s actual plan for my life.
Back on the mountain, I finally reached our third checkpoint – “Only twenty more minutes to the top!” Mxolisi informed us. Fatigued, soaked with sweat, a little dizzy and short on breath, I took a seat directly on the path.
“God, I can’t go anymore,” I told Him. “My legs won’t move.”
He didn’t offer some awe-inspiring pep talk. He didn’t cause a majestic wind to swarm around and revitalize me. He didn’t drop an escalator straight from Heaven. I simply heard one word. “Water.”
I looked to my right and saw my still-full water bottle, untouched thus far along the climb. A knowing smile spread on my lips and I shook my head as I asked Monica to help me pull it from my backpack – I literally didn’t have the strength to do so. I barely had time to down a few sips before Mxolisi kick-started our wagon train once again. Time for the finale! All you’ve got, all the way to the top!
I’m not sure what God put in that water, but something about it worked! My body suddenly remembered how to function and couldn’t get enough of the act. I wasn’t sprinting up the slope, by any means, but truthfully, I have never felt better while hiking/climbing, anywhere! Before I knew it, I’d conquered the entire mountain!!!
Just Love girls atop Mt. "No Name" in Nsoko, Swaziland!
Standing at the top of a mountain in Swaziland, Africa, drenched in sweat, freezing as the incredible wind engulfed me, surrounded by 10 amazing friends and invigorated by one of the most jaw-droppingly astonishing views you can imagine, God’s latest lesson in my life was basic, but powerful.
Stop trying to do everything in your own power. When I call you to something, I provide everything you’ll need. I know your body. I know your mind. I know exactly how hard to push you, and I know exactly when to carry you in your weakness. And you know My voice.
Somewhere along the trek back down, God hinted to me that living life is very much like climbing a mountain. We are ALL on the upward trek. Some are currently in the shallow gradients, some are digging in to the knuckles and scraping for every inch gained, and some have pulled off of their trail for a brief rest, but no matter what, there are water stations available all along the way! Just like He provided on the mountain, I know that He will provide everything I need to be the leader He called me to be. And wherever you are in your climb, He’ll provide for you, too!
Be Blessed,
Ashlee
