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All this pain I wonder if I’ll ever find my way I wonder if my life could really change at all All this earth Could all that is lost ever be found Could a garden come up from this ground at all You make beautiful things You make beautiful things out of the dust You make beautiful things You make beautiful things out of us All around Hope is springing up from this old ground Out of chaos life is being found in You You make beautiful things You make beautiful things out of the dust You make beautiful things You make beautiful things out of us You make beautiful things You make beautiful things out of the dust You make beautiful things You make beautiful things out of us You make me new, You are making me new You make me new, You are making me new You are making me new You make beautiful things You make beautiful things out of the dust You make beautiful things You make beautiful things out of us You make beautiful things You make beautiful things out of the dust You make beautiful things You make beautiful things out of us |
I have had my share of pain when it comes to relationships. We all do. It still amazes me to hear other peoples stories and to hear what the Lord has brought them through. It just reminds me that no one is exempt from pain. No living person will go their whole life without experiencing heartache in some capacity, but that is what makes us human.
May 31, 2008 was supposed to be the happiest day of my life. Months prior, I got engaged to a guy I was with for 4 years. We were in love and were going to be happily married that day. The day came closer and closer as I checked wedding details off the list. My dress was bought, the invitations went out, the reception plans were booked, and my bridal shower came and went. Weeks before the wedding some painful things were revealed that I was astonished to find true. My world was shaken and I had no idea what was real. In the midst of what was one of the hardest things I have had to walk through, I felt immense pain and could not understand HOW this could happen.
I could not understand how God allowed those circumstances to happen to me. How I could be blindsided by the events that unfolded? How could I have no control over the circumstances that were happening to my life? I felt like my world was unraveling and spinning out of control. I kept thinking how did God allow things to happen this way?
At that point in my life I didn’t see how I could ever be restored. How I could ever recover from such pain. My self confidence was severely wounded as I felt like I wasn’t good enough. I felt unwanted and damaged. I was trapped in thinking that I wasn’t beautiful enough, I wasn’t thin enough, I wasn’t desirable enough. I continued in a downward spiral of self destructive thoughts and behavior. Thoughts that didn’t seem harmful at the time, but how untrue that was. I found myself realizing how much power your thoughts have over you. I spent my time trying to understand what happened, trying to make sense of how and why. I was in need of major healing and restoration that could only come from God. I had to decide that the enemy was not going to win. Not then, not ever. Philipians 4:7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. God showed me a lot the following months to come.
Almost a year ago another relationship of mine came to an end that had its share of pain. I think it is always painful having to go through the process of unloving someone. It seems so unnatural to let go of a relationship that was once filled with love and care. Through that process again I found myself tying to make sense of why and how. Wondering why we have to go through such pain in relationships in the first place.
Through these broken relationships God has brought me some of the biggest lessons I have learned. “How” is not relevant with God. “How” is immaterial in relationship to how God can work broken things into beautiful things. I had to get out of my own thoughts (my thoughts are not your thoughts and my ways are not your ways) and stop trying to make sense of things. I had to get back to faith and trusting that the Lord works it all out in his timing. That He works miraculous things out if we just open our eyes to see them. See, the enemy continuously wants us to question and be weighed down. I learned what it really means to have an attitude of Mary, with the response, “So be it unto me according to your purpose.” I learned to take the loss, the hurt, the pain and give it to the Lord.
The Lord wants to change our viewpoint. He wants to change the circumstances that seemed so devastating. He wants to take the circumstances that were meant to distract and destroy us to actually become a means of strength in our life and the lives of others. It has been amazing to see the Lord work through those circumstances in my life to bring such strength, faith, and trust. It has been amazing to see that years later the Lord did have a plan and a purpose in what he was doing. That in the end he is making something beautiful. Something way better than I could have dreamed.
Ecc 3:11-12 “He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, he has put eternity into man’s heart, yet so that he cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end. I perceived that there is nothing better for them than to be joyful and to do good as long as they live.”
I want this to encourage you to know that in the end God works all this for His good, and if it’s not good, it’s not the end. The thing is that we never completely understand what God is doing. He makes things beautiful in his time, in the right time.
You make me new, You are making me new
You make me new, You are making me new
Love,
Ash
