Cut the Act

I’m broken. Like really broken.

I’m not talking the “duct tape can fix anything” kind of broken.

I’m talking the “shattered into so many pieces it would be physically impossible to even know where to start to try to fix this” kind of broken.

Those are not easy words for me to share.

I’m really good at appearing to have it all together. I’m a pro at repressing my feelings and pushing down my emotions.

It’s time to cut the act.

I’m so broken.

I’ve spent most of my life believing I will never be good enough. Those words may have not been uttered, but actions have confirmed it time after time. “You’ll never be [smart, pretty, quiet, athletic, talented] enough…” The list goes on and on.

“You’ll never be enough.” Ouch.

Why is it so easy to find freedom from bondage but then fall right back into the things that were binding you?

I like to think that I have worked through this whole “not enough” thing. I’ve lost count of the times I’ve “overcome” this struggle.

I know the implications that the Cross has on my life. I know that through Christ I am made worthy. I know that by His blood ONLY I am made to be enough. I know His love for me goes beyond anything I can fathom.

There have been so many times where these truths have washed over me and I have felt the weight of so many years of being not enough fall off of my shoulders. I’ve walked in season of boldness and freedom knowing that truth. And then slowly but surely, it starts creeping back. It’s so subtle at first, and then one day the weight of it all hits me again.

Why? Why do I keep allowing the same crap to make it’s way back into my life? Why do I fall back into old mindsets and habits?

If I’m completely honest it’s for the exact same reasons that I stated above: It’s because I know the implications that the Cross has on my life. I know that through Christ I am made worthy. I know that by His blood ONLY I am made to be enough. I know His love for me goes beyond anything I can fathom.

The problem is that I know. Or at least I think I do. I’m really good at convincing myself I’m wholeheartedly seeking after God when I’m actually not. I pray sometimes. I know all the right things to say when people ask about life: “God is so good.” “He is faithful” “His plan for me is greater than I can imagine” etc. These are things I know to be true, so I convince myself that since I know it in my mind that I don’t need to seek Him as diligently. But I do. I need to be constantly seeking Him wholeheartedly. And I need to stop convincing myself that I know things about God without actually pursuing Him and allowing Him to show me what He wants me to know about Him. Knowing and pursuing are very different things.

This blog doesn’t really have a conclusion. There’s no warm and fuzzy lesson to come out of it (yet). This is just where I’m at. My heart is a broken crappy mess. All I know is that God loves me too much to leave me in my current state. I don’t know where to start to try to put my tiny shattered pieces back together, but He does. And that’s enough for me for now.