Hello all!
So I know that it has been a good few months since I have written a blog.
Currently I have been back home in Texas for almost a month, and I have been thinking about this fact almost every day.
So first , I want to apologize for not blogging about anything since India really.
This year was full of a lot of amazing experiences, lessons, stories etc.
It was all so incredible though, that I found myself struggling with explaining it all.
I have at least 5 or so blogs sitting in draft mode that I never finished or never felt good enough about sharing because, honestly , I felt that my words could not do my experiences justice.
Also , two things I have learned about myself this year are that 1. I’m pretty good at living in the present ….but therefore I’m not the best at processing things if it doesn’t happen in real time ( that requires looking back ) , and 2. I am very much a verbal processor, so writing is not as helpful for me as it is for others .
As things got busier and compounded this year , I chose to dedicate my time to the people and opportunities immediately surrounding me. I know that there was probably a balance to that , but I didn’t do the best job finding it. ( obviously, right ? haha )
That being said , I probably have a lot to process now then. Oops.
The first thing I have been working through since being back , is the reality of even being home.
People kept warning me about “re-entry” and how it would be hard , and “reverse culture shock” etc etc.
I don’t know why I thought I would be the exception to these feelings,
…but it turns out it is all real and I am in no way immune to it.
Being home feels weird.
Having a lot of things feels weird.
Not having people around me always who , I can just spew my thoughts and feelings at or laugh with or whatever feels weird.
I’m hyper aware of a lot of things in people or in my life that I wasn’t before … which is weird
Just a lot of WEIRDNESS.
“Weird”
I started to think about why I keep choosing the word” weird ” as my description for my feelings.
Typically , when we describe something as weird it’s because something appears or feels foreign or different than what we are used to….to what our normal is.
I think that things have felt weird because over the year the Lord had been working in my heart in ways I did not realize.He has created a lot of new normals in me that I now have to figure out how to live with back at home.
I’m not sure what it all looks like yet.
There is a lot I don’t have figured out or processed about this last year, but I figured starting off with where I am at currently , and things that I HAVE learned / realized would be a good place to start.
Here is a little bit of that :
–I’ve seen the global church and it is incredible, inspiring, and extremely convicting.
It is hard to swallow some aspects of the church in America now.
-I have experienced the Fathers heart and love for His people and in the process have seen His heart and love for me in an entirely new light.
-I have been a stranger in a country, lost, and at the mercy of it’s people. Every time, I have been overwhelmed with gratitude at people’s responses to help and kindness. I will never look at ” foreigners ” the same way, or as foreigners for that matter.
-I have learned and seen what it means to groan for the coming of the Lord and my Spirit now groans for it also .
-I have also learned why it is so important for your hope to be in Christ and the hope that eternity with Him holds , because this earth is so broken and even what we think is the best in this life will pail in comparison to what is in store with Christ in eternity.
-I’ve seen people with literally nothing still be joyful and grateful and seen why those things have nothing to do with your situation. I hope that my life will forever be lived from those postures because of it.
-I have also experienced people with almost nothing give from the tiny amount they do have . I hope to live my life with nothing but open hands from now on.
-I weigh significantly more than I did before and my skin is the worst it has ever been. ( can you say adult acne?! ) However, I feel the most confident in who I am , looks aside . I am still going to work on said things , but I won’t be defined by them. I am more than my weight or looks . I am His.
-I am still just as single as I have been for most of my adult life , but I am also the least worried I have ever been about said singleness…I also have more hope than I ever had in that department. (Amazing men of God still exist y’all)
-I’ve learned that each and every gift or passion was given by the Lord and can and should be used for His glory… the most beauty and fruit will come from them when they are used for that.
-It is only by Gods grace that I was born in America and not anywhere else. I have never felt more grateful for that gift and I want to use it wisely.
-I’ve experienced some pretty uncomfortable situations, and some pretty scary ones . I.e. Being in cars when I thought ” It will be a miracle if I make it out of this alive”
I have thought about how I would feel in said moments and realized that for the first time I can actually say that death is not a super scary thought. “To live is Christ, to die is gain”
-I’ve struggled physically , felt inadequate and allowed God to carry me and I’ve also ran and danced hand in hand with Him in some of the most beautiful places I’ve witnessed.
-I’ve learned that nature testifies to God greatness and beauty and my favorite moments of worshiping Him can be found in it.
-I’ve wrestled with the Lord about a lot of things , but I have learned that it is okay to do that.
-I have learned a lot about community , and that sometimes loving people the closest to you can be the hardest… but it is also the most rewarding.
Love is an action and choice more than it is a feeling … I think I’ve learned a lot to prepare me for marriage haha.
-I have never laughed as much as I did this last year , and also never cried as much.
-I have never felt more whole and also simultaneously broken , but I have learned that being aware of my brokenness allows for the Lord to fill and shine out of those broken areas if I allow it.
-And one last thing I do know … I am nowhere near the same person I was before this last year.
There is more that I don’t know than what I do know right now , but that will always be okay as long as I have Christ.
I have been so amazed with God, that I have had no option but to come to a place of rest in His will and His plan…so much so, that even on hard days I can still say I am A-okay.
So there is all that .
As far as being home and what is next for me:
For now, I will be returning to my job as a pediatric hem/onc nurse at the Children’s Hospital in San Antonio.
In the meantime, I will be looking into and praying about my next steps and where the Lord wants to take me.
The Lord also birthed lot of new dreams and desires in me this last year. I don’t think that I am quite ready to share them to the world super publicly since they are in the early stages ,but I would love to talk about them so feel free to ask me about that or anything really.
I cannot guarantee it will all make the most sense yet , but like I said, I am a verbal processor so I love to talk and it will help me also haha.
To anyone reading this , thank you so much for your all of your support this last year. I am immensely blessed to have experienced your prayers , and giving.
“Now may He who supplies seed to the sower, and bread for food, supply and multiply the seed you have sown and increase the fruits of your righteousness, while you are enriched in everything for all liberality, which causes thanksgiving through us to God.”
II Corinthians 9:10-11
Sincerely ,
ARLENE
