Sitting in the doctors office frozen in my seat, my eyes were fixed on the man in the white lab coat. His lips were moving, going on and on about what life might be like for me now, but all I could think about was how I got here.
Why is this happening?
Why me?
I thought about my younger self and what I thought my life might look like when I grew to be my current age. I thought about the man I would fall in love with and about the adventures we would take together. It felt like that was no longer in the cards for me… who would love me now?
I would catch about every other word the doctor would say, and all I could do was accept it. After all, it is my fault. I couldn’t be angry or hate myself for it, but could only accept the consequences of my actions. This is who I am now.
I felt a sense of peace and immediately thought of the ways God might use me to help other people going through the same type of situation. I trusted that God knew what He was doing and even though I messed up, He will turn it into something good.
I had fallen away. I had been so wrapped up in my life and the desire to be desired. The cravings I had for other people to accept me ruled my thoughts and actions so much so that I was losing the person God was growing me into, but He knew just the thing that would draw me back to Him. He disciplines those that He loves.
I had never felt extremely close with the Lord before, but I felt I had disappointed Him just as if we was my parent or someone who really cared for me.
If this day had just become the worst day of my life, I most certainly don’t want to relive it… but I have to. I have to relive it every time I talk about it. I have to remember the pain and the difficulty of coming face to face with my decisions. It’s not something I can deny or pretend did not happen.
I think about what that means for an incarcerated person or a celebrity. They have to relive their worst days every single day via social media or judicial sentencing. If I have grown into a different person today, can’t they? Of course they can but it’s easy to look at people’s worst days and pick them apart as a person… judge them… and define them by their mistakes.
“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.” -Matthew 7:3-5
That person has a family who knows them as someone different. God knows them as someone different. He is with us in our pain and while we live in confusion and make bad decisions, but He is also with us in our proudest moments- our first’s and our victories, celebrating alongside us. God does not define us by our mistakes because He sees us as a whole. He created us and gave us all that we have, but we can ruin it if we are ungrateful, prideful and refuse to accept His grace.
“But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says: “God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.” – James 4:6
“For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast.” – Ephesians 2:8-9
“Therefore no one will be declared righteous in God’s sight by the works of the law; rather, through the law we become conscious of our sin. But now apart from the law the righteousness of God has been made known, to which the Law and the Prophets testify. This righteousness is given through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference between Jew and Gentile, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.” -Romans 3:20-24
God gave me grace on my worst day. That is what I think about when I catch myself judging others or before I extend grace to others. It it a forgiveness for our endless imperfections.
I grew up without a father around for a good part of my younger years, but I learned that the Lord sees me as His daughter.
I grew up very shy and had a hard time making friends, but I learned the Lord is my friend.
I grew up in good churches and broken churches but I learned the Lord is the heart of the church and that can be taken anywhere. Without the Lord, everything we do is in vain.
I grew up subconsciously wanting people to determine my worth, but I learned the Lord is the one who determines my worth.
The news I received in the doctors office that day does not define who I am, just as a bad decision may lead someone to prison but that does not define who they are. We are all children of God.
However, understanding you are a child of God requires a responsibility to act like one. To invite the Holy Spirit into your heart and put the past behind you. To die to your old self and become a new creation – a piece of a body of the spirit with your own unique talents and abilities to be used as an extension of Jesus’ ministry. Not envying others talents, but embracing your own and knowing that God created you as a necessary part of the body. Then, make yourself available for God to use you in ways you never thought possible.
God is on your side, all it takes is a little faith to get past the worst day of your life. To be still and know that He is God.
“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.” – Matthew 7:7-8
“Be still, and know that I am God…” – Psalm 46:10
