I was raised in a Christian home with three siblings. My parents got divorced when I was nine but separated several years before that. I hadn’t put much thought into God until my freshman year of high school. Before that, I would go to church with my family but it never had my full attention.
My freshman year of high school my friend Mariah had invited me to a church called CitiChurch. I started out going to the youth group and then wanted to go on Sunday too. I rarely got to do that though because I couldn’t drive yet. Through CitiChurch Youth I met a boy that caught my attention. After a while we started dating. We dated for three months before we broke up around Christmas time. I was so devastated. I was so hurt. I didn’t know why and in my head I felt really messed up. I kept going deeper and deeper in my mind and I created a very dark hole for myself. I could not get out even if I wanted to. I would cry myself to sleep and I would see him at church and it was just hard. Finally, one night, I was tired of crying so I decided I didn’t want to be here anymore. I didn’t want to hurt anymore. I think I was texting that boy that night and he was worried for my safety. I just wanted to be loved. At this point I was not very close to either of my parents. With switching houses every week the atmosphere was extremely inconsistent. I had given this boy so much of my heart and felt empty when he left. That night, pills in hand, I heard someone stomping up the stairs and bust down my door. He had called my brother. My brother went to my side and just held me. He asked if I had tried anything and I had said, no…not yet. I spent the night with him that night. A little while after that, that same boy took me back and we dated for two more months. Only this time, I broke it off.
My sophomore year was a little more consistent. I dove into art. My passion for art was on fire and I began forming this dream in my head of wanting to go to NYC. I wanted to go to Pratt Institute and study art. I spent all my free time in the art room. Sometimes I would even skip lunch to stay in there. My three best pieces came from that year. I had a steady boyfriend too. Andrew was an amazing guy and so good for me that year. Things were looking up for me. But on this rollercoaster of life, there’s always a low drop after you go up so high.
The summer after my sophomore year I had found out a lot of things about the divorce and my childhood that I had been lied to about. I felt deceived. I felt as though every memory and every story that my mom told me was a lie. Looking back on it, I may have been more dramatic about it than necessary. I began questioning my mom and even my dad. I began wondering what stories really were true. I wanted to see the videos. We really were a happy family. I never got to experience much of that. I don’t remember much of my parents being together, but in the videos I was old enough to remember. I remember everything after the divorce very vividly, but not much before the divorce. That summer I felt like I was mourning the loss of my relationship with my mom. I believe it was that summer, when I started questioning the truth, that I began to be distant from her.
My junior year went by in a blur. In my mind I was mourning and I don’t remember a lot of what happened that year. My friendship with my only friend Randi basically ended that New Years. I began hanging out with Mariah and Ben more and more. I began drinking. I was closer to my dad during this year but the only person I really talked to was my counselor Jodi. I was having a hard time enjoying being around my mom and really accepting her for who she is.
The summer after my junior year was an eventful summer. I had gone to camp and had gotten a lot of accomplishments and awards and I was very proud of that year at camp. After that week of camp, I went home with my dad’s girlfriend Karin instead of my mom. A lot of hurtful things were said and when I got home, I moved out of her house and into my dad’s house full time. I didn’t speak to my mom for several weeks after that. Then one Sunday at CitiChurch Pastor Micah preaches on forgiveness saying “The bible says that if you bring your gift to the alter and there remember that your brother has something against you, go and reconcile with him then return to lay down your gift. It doesn’t say if you have something against your brother, but if your brother has something against you. You must take the first step. You must apologize, even if you don’t think it’s your fault. You must apologize to them for being angry at them. We are all sinners. Let you without sin cast the first stone. You must not let the sun go down upon your anger.” I spent a good few days after that thinking about all of the ways I have hurt my mother and I wrote a two page long apology letter. I laid it on her desk and after she read it, she texted me the word “ditto”. That hurt. I wanted to go into counseling with her. She went to two appointments with me. For quite a while after that, I found it hard to be around her. I didn’t enjoy spending time with her as much as I used to. I began really missing the past. When I was little and we would lay in the grass looking at clouds, or when we would sleep on the side porch, or when we would quote movies endlessly, or when we would have tea parties. I missed it all terribly. And the fact that it wasn’t like that anymore made it hard for me to accept what our relationship transformed into. Little things she would do would drive me insane but looking back on those little things, I realized she was just trying to show me love in her own little ways.
Later that summer, a few weeks before school started, I got sexually assaulted. I felt like trash. I didn’t talk much after that. I spent every spare moment at Mount Jeez. Writing, singing, crying, listening to music; I wanted the images out of my head. Sunset after sunset I spent at Mount Jeez, just trying to think of one word to say to God. The only word that left my mouth was “Jesus”. After a few weeks, I was able to tell my dad. Well, I didn’t really say it…I let him read my journal. I couldn’t talk about it. He just held me. I hated myself. There were so many red flags and I just walked right into it. My love language, touch, had been ruined. I hadn’t allowed anyone to touch me after that. No one but my dad could hug me or hold me. With counseling and talking with my dad, I’ve gone through the struggles of being afraid of being touched to feeling like I needed to be touched. After that incident, the first guy I let touch me was a guy that was otherwise committed. I was his “other woman” and I didn’t care because I knew it couldn’t go anywhere. I knew it couldn’t go past a certain point.
My senior year, through my first job, I struggled a lot with the fact that I was the other woman and I felt like trash. Every time a guy would touch me, no matter how good it felt at the time, I felt like trash afterward. Then I felt like a hypocrite for being on the worship team at my church. I didn’t feel worthy of being up there. So I wanted my pastor to kick me off. I was late to practices, almost missed practice on Sunday morning, didn’t practice at home, I didn’t want to be up there anymore. So instead, he said to me “Ariel, I can’t let you sing this weekend because you missed so much of the practice, but don’t let the devil put lies in your head. I know you are fighting a fight with him, I can see it in you. If you really think you need to quit, don’t let it be permanent. Promise me that you’ll take this break, however long you need, and you’ll come back to us. I love you, Ariel. And He loves you too. You have a calling on your life, don’t let the devil and his lies take that from you.” So I took a break. In the second semester of my senior year of high school, through art class, a laugh, and the song Oceans, I became friends with Shelby Neal. We hung out once and knew that it was the beginning of a beautiful friendship. There were no walls with us, only trust. We told each other everything. Through Shelby I met an amazing group of guys. All of them came from amazing Christian families and carried a faith of their own that drew me in. After I met them, I found myself talking to God throughout the day, thanking Him, just making small talk with Him. I had never done that before. After I met them, I found myself wanting to know more about God. For that summer, I was the most emotionally stable I remember being. They brought me close to God. They reminded me who and what was really important. Whether it was mudding, jumping off bridges, bike riding, swimming, hiking, glow in the dark sports, movies, bible study, deep kitchen conversation, eating, cooking, blowing things up, or just chilling at Starbucks, they showed me what community was like. That summer was the most enjoyable and free spirited summer I had experienced.
One night at bible study, I sat on the couch and sat next to a girl named Monica Millard. The next thing I know, we’re laughing our heads off giggling and writing notes and exchanging numbers and a time to hangout. I made another best friend that day. Shelby and Monica were such a huge part of my life that year, and still to this day.
It was then, September of 2014, that my sister left for the world race. I didn’t really know what the world race was all about, all I knew was that it was an 11 month mission trip to 11 different countries, and my sister was going. I was excited for her, I saw how fired up she was for this. I ended up being able to go down to her launch with her. That weekend, I experienced something that I can’t really explain. I just had a peace. As I learned more and more about this race and talked to racers and alumni racers, I began to formulate my plan. I was only 18 at the time, but I talked to Robin and she said there was a gap year trip for 18-22 year olds. Well perfect! My thinking was ‘okay, I’ll go on the gap year trip 3n9 and then go to G42 and then be a squad leader on an 11n11 race.’ I was adding up the numbers in my head and began formulating this goal. I was doing this. Or so I thought. When I got home from that weekend, I was seriously considering quitting college. Although both of my parents thought it was a ridiculous idea, I did it anyway. Two weeks later, I quit college. (I unfortunately still owe them money for that). I sent in my application to the world race, but I never paid my application fee. I don’t know what it was, but something was holding me back. Looking back on it now, my sister told me that she thinks that is how the Holy Spirit communicates with us sometimes. She said if there is any doubt in our mind and we don’t have complete peace about a decision, that may be the Holy Spirit telling us that it’s not the right timing. God’s timing is different than ours. We must put aside our desires and goals and focus on His will be done. So I told The World Race that I would wait another year to apply. So I did.
February of the following year, I got a job at Starbucks. The same week I started at Starbucks is the week my car broke down. There is a lot of stuff that happened and it had a huge effect on all of my friendships. Money had gotten between us. I still think there is a scar from February. When I was told I was being irresponsible by my best friend I had begun to distance myself from everyone. I dove into work, I strived to meet financial goals, I was focusing on trying to be the best I could be. I didn’t hang out with my friends as much. I felt as though I lost my community. Eventually, I stopped being invited to things, which made me dive even deeper into work. Eventually, I had gotten involved with a married man. Just like my senior year in high school, I knew what I was doing but somehow I didn’t want to stop. I really didn’t want to stop. I felt awful for what I was doing. There were several times that I tried to stop. It would last for maybe four days, and then I would see him again. He almost left his wife for me. At that point, I couldn’t do it. I stopped. I had to. It was far beyond my comfort zone. Once I found the strength in me to stop, I found it hard to talk to God. I confessed my sins to Him, and I knew that He had forgiven me, but I couldn’t find it in me to forgive myself. I had been doing so good, I had plans, I had goals, I was going places. But I gave into temptation again. I let it go. I let it all go and I couldn’t forgive myself for failing. Failing again in something I had thought I had overcome. It took me a few weeks to actually tell my dad about the whole thing. When I did tell him, he showed me a love like no other. He brought me up, listened to me, spoke truth into me, and pointed me to God. Since then, I have made a non-stop concerted effort to know God. To really get to know Him, spend time with Him, laugh with Him and cry with Him. I want to have a relationship with Him that is unbreakable. A relationship so strong that no distraction the enemy presents will tear my gaze from the heavens.
Then my sister came home. Oh what a blessing she has been. Since she has been home and challenged me and stretched me, I’ve never felt more on fire for God. Also, since I’ve grown with God, my passion for art has come back. I have more motivation to paint now than I ever have had before. God is so good. It’s been quite the ride, but He knows what He is doing.
So now that you know my past, it’s time I share with you my present.
I have been on the worship team at CitiChurch and more on fire for God than ever before. I started counseling again to help me work through things that have come back up. I have a few mentors I go to, including my dad. My relationship with my mom has grown so much in the past year and I really enjoy our time together. My passion for art has grown immensely and I cannot wait for what God has in store for me in that area of my life. My relationship with my sister is stronger than it has ever been. I have been living on my own for a year now and I am so excited that my sister is here with me too. I am working at Starbucks full time. I have committed to not pursuing a relationship while in the process or for the duration of the race. I am more confident in who I am in Him than ever before and I cannot wait for my relationship with Him to continue to grow.
And lastly, I will be leaving next October for my World Race.
God Willing.
With love,
Ariel
