Two months ago in Malaysia my team and I took a Spiritual Gifts test and I got a 20/20 for the gift of Faith. I didn’t realize Faith was a spiritual gift, but at the same time it didn’t surprise me at all. I’ve always known I was different in the sense that I always 100% whole-heartedly believed and trusted in the Lord, whereas other people struggled to get to a place of complete trust. I always felt weird, thinking there was something wrong with me that I didn’t doubt or have ruts like others did. But realizing that my Faith was a gift, and like other gifts in other people, it was specifically placed within me, I was able to start acknowledging it in a new way.
Last month in Vietnam my teammate Christa had a vision for me. In the vision she saw a big dark eye that was trained directly on me, watching me closely. But then there was a big red heart filled with love. The eye represented the enemy and how he had his eye trained closely on me, watching my every move. But the big red heart was the love I have for God and how I wasn’t going to let the enemy touch me.
As soon as she told me her vision, I knew what the enemy was watching closely – my faith. I knew it was unlike other peoples, and I knew it was probably freaking the enemy out if he was watching me so closely. If there has ever been one constant affirmation in my life since becoming a Christian, it’s that other people can tangibly see and are inspired by my faith. To me it’s a way of life and I don’t notice it, but to others, it’s an encouragement.
This month my heart was broken and I felt let down by God. There was something I believed whole-heartedly was going to happen while on the Race and I had zero doubt in my mind that God would make it happen… He even affirmed it a few times (or so I thought). Month Three I remember having a mini panic attack thinking about “What if it doesn’t happen?” I remember thinking about how I would seriously consider going home because I knew my faith would be shattered. It’s hard to explain, but that’s where I was at – it would break me.
Since then, God has shown up big. So big, that when the one thing that could have shattered my faith at one point didn’t happen, the first thing I did was run to God. Trust me when I say I was so confused at myself. I felt betrayed by God. And yet I didn’t want to run to anyone/anything except Him. It hurt. Even though I ran to Him it still hurt. Every time I ran to the word it felt like a knife being twisted into my heart deeper and deeper, the enemy taunting, “Ha ha God let you down.” And yet I still ran full force at God and didn’t even bat an eye at anything the enemy was trying to do with the situation.
As I worked through the hurt, I was silent for about two days.
At one point God pressed on my heart to read Job and this is what I felt like God was telling me through Job.
The enemy had his eye trained on Job because of how obedient and faithful Job was to God. The enemy sneered at Job and taunted God, saying that if God took everything He had blessed Job with, Job would turn his back on God and curse Him. God, having so much faith in Job’s faith, allowed the enemy to do what he pleased. God gave satan permission to strip Job of everything, because He trusted Job’s faith so much.
And that’s exactly what I feel like happened with me. The enemy was watching me closely. He hated my faith, he hated how it inspired others to press more deeply into the Lord. So he wanted to strip me of my faith and trust in God. But God, having so much faith in my faith in Him, allowed it to happen, as a test to see if I was strong enough. And without knowing why or how or what was happening, I shoved the enemy’s plan right back in his face by running to God and never wavering from the promises and love that God offers me.
It was a blessing and cool experience, despite the pain. It showed the enemy, God, and also myself that my faith IS deep. And that what Romans 8 says is true
“…neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
A few days ago, my teammate Jenna had another vision for me. In the vision there were flashes of different activities. Building blocks, games, writing etc. And behind each activity was a really ugly face. But with each flash, the face slowly disappeared until it was no longer there.
The enemy was watching me closely, but as the Lord has triumphed over the darkness, the enemy has realized that his plan to ruin my faith actually deepened it.
