Two blogs posts in one day?! Getting crazy.
But tonight was one of those nights that I just have to share about.
As I said in my last blog post, I've known I would be away on a gap year serving the Lord for this year, since last summer. I knew it was going to be a year of growth. I knew it was going to be a year of giving things back to the Lord, and then trusting that He would be at work in them while I was gone.
But I think I got stuck into thinking that things were going to change drastically at home, but would I actually grow and change into the woman I desired to be?
Tonight during worship I was seriously doubting this. I prayed over the things I wanted God to heal, the "arrows" in my heart. I envisioned the long arrows that were pierced in my heart and I begged God to rip them out and rip them to shreds so my heart was whole in Him.
But then I doubted. What if God didn't do all I desired Him to do in me? What if God let me just remain the same? What if He didn't fight for me to grow in beautiful ways?
My biggest fear about going on the World Race is that I will return as the same person I am now.
Then tonight my squad mate Kiersten (who I will be working with in South Africa!) spoke the word "Confidence" over me, that she felt the Lord wanting her to tell me the word "confidence."
She kissed my head and let me be alone as everyone continued to worship around me. I prayed over that word, not knowing what God meant by it. What am I supposed to be confident in?
I was sitting crossed legged on my chair with my hands resting together in the middle with my eyes closed, praying. Then I had a vision (I love having visions). I saw Jesus kneeling before me, His hands on my knees, with this amazingly huge grin and a twinkle in His eyes. He chuckled as He said to me: "Come on silly, have confidence that I will grow you."
I immediately burst into laughter and started crying joyfully. This year wasn't just about all that He was going to heal and grow at home, but this year is about ME. He has called me out among the nations because He wants to grow ME. He has work to do in ME. Even if I doubt that He is at work, I need to have confidence that He will.
I will be able to rest in that promise. Please pray for me that I don't remain idle, and that I take any and all opportunities to learn and be challenged so that I can grow into the woman God will perfectly mold me into this year.
