Ok not literally, on the outside I’ve always been a girl. But on the inside? I was a brick wall.
Redefined
Up until this past year, I hated being touched by women. I didn’t like hugs, I didn’t like comforting pats or squeezes, I didn’t even like gentle rubs on my back. You wanted to touch me? I wanted to get away from you as quickly as possible. You started crying? I started to become the most awkward person you’d want to be around.
My resentment towards feminine touch probably has to do with the fact that I saw it as weak – if you showed emotion or felt like you needed to touch me in some comforting/caring way, that made you weak and it made me weak for accepting the gesture. I had a hard heart and I wasn’t willing to budge from behind the thick wall I had strategically crafted.
But the thing about being a daughter of the King is that He makes it His job to chip away at those walls we’ve built up. Two years ago, He started softening my heart towards women and this past year He taught me that one of the best ways I can love someone, is by letting them love me.
The woman leader of my college fellowship is a toucher, she loves hugs and she loves rubbing your back. When I met her I was very blunt about how I was not going to let her touch me. But after a year and a half of being patient with me she asked, “Can you love me by letting me hug you?” The question surprised me and I agreed. From then on, anytime she wanted to touch me, I’d let her because it was loving her and made her happy. This continued and by the end of the year, the girls around me went from “Oh my gosh I’m so sorry I just touched you,” to “You just hugged me!”
Knowing this about myself, that I was still a work in progress when it came to being more in touch with emotions and touching, and that Training Camp was about having no expectations, I walked into Training Camp without myself. I walked in having thrown my old self completely away with a ready and willing heart to be made into a new creation by the Lord. Whoever He wanted me to be, that’s who I would be for Him.
So this week I completely redefined myself. If I wanted to dance and praise the Lord – I could. If I wanted to fall to my knees with my forehead pressed to the ground and cry – I could. If I wanted to stop singing during worship and just laugh, cry, and talk to God – I could. And I did. It wasn’t about doing things “the right way” or in ways you've always done before, it was about doing things differently. After all, Christians are different and let's be honest, we're kinda weird.
New Creation – I’m a girl!
The first part of the week I was in a fog and that fog was preventing me from loving others. Jesus healed me of that fog but that's another story.
After the fog was cleared, the rest of the week I loved. I loved in ways I haven’t before. I touched, I hugged, I rubbed – and I did it willingly without thinking twice. There was a night where the girl next to me on my squad started hysterically sobbing during worship. Without thinking or knowing why she was crying, I instinctively started rubbing her back and just tried to offer her comfort in that way. Soon I was praying over her and saying things I guess God wanted her to hear because she cried harder as I talked. Afterwards, she hugged me and didn’t let me go. Did I feel uncomfortable? Not at all. What would have happened if I had been my old self and been really awkward and just ignored her? Would God still have been able to speak into her life? Maybe, but He wanted to use me in that moment. And because I was open and willing to accept different forms of love, I was able to be used by Him.
Yesterday I spoke at my church and during the first service a woman in all black came out to where I was sitting. She told me how her son had committed suicide last month. I offered her what words of comfort I could, but when she got up to leave I instinctively asked if I could hug her. She goes to my church but I have no idea who she is, but I wanted to offer her that comfort.
WHO AM I?!
A daughter of Christ. A daughter of a King who loves His children and delights in them so much that He finds joy in molding us in ways that will allow us to better serve Him.
Being vulnerable isn't weak like I previously thought. Being vulnerable allows God to use us in ways we can't imagine. If He hadn't softened my hard heart, I wouldn't be exposed to all these cool things He is showing me.
The Lesson
The lesson I learned from “becoming a girl” is this – sometimes the best way to love someone else, is to let them love you. I used to hate physical touch from women, but for some people that’s how they love others and that’s what makes them happy. By letting them love me through physical touch, I was loving them back. By letting them love me through physical touch, it became easier to accept and now I go out of my way to love others like that too. Dare I say I even enjoy it? I have grown so much in my ability to love others, simply because I let them love me first. And isn't it the same with Jesus? We love because He first loved us.
I challenge you to act on this like I have, because you might be extremely surprised by the result. Is there someone out there who is trying to show you love and care in a way that you might not be comfortable with? What would happen if you let yourself love them, by letting them love you?
Meet Team BBH (Beautifully Broken to Heal). I am extremely excited to love these women as we embark on this crazy journey together.
Front Row: Sarette (Team Leader), me, Jena
Back Row: Aly, Aimee, Christa
