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I’ll never forget the day
I realized bulimia no longer had a hold on me.
I’ll never forget the day
I noticed my bulimia chipmunk cheeks had gone away.
I’ll never forget the day
I actually thought I was beautiful just as I was… and truly believed it.
I’ll never forget the day
I sang the words “We’ll see joy defeat depression; liberation from addiction,” and started sobbing because those things were true in my own life.
It’s been six months of freedom, and I can honestly say I never thought it would happen.
I spent five years being trapped in a vicious downward spiral of self-hatred where the only word I used to describe myself was “disgusting.”
Five years where I feared and loathed food.
Two years being addicted to eating food just so I could throw it up as soon as possible.
Every time I thought I was strong enough to get better, I would just fall back in to the addiction that had control over me.
Then one day, it all changed. I was given a second chance and a new pair of eyes. For the first time, I was able to see myself as God saw me. And it was beautiful: perfectly white and washed clean because Christ died on the cross for me.
The addiction that I thought would trap me forever, no longer had a hold on me.
And six months later, I’m still walking in that freedom.
That doesn’t mean I don’t still struggle.
Sometimes I still eat when I’m not hungry in front of others because I don’t want to draw attention to when/where/how/what I eat… something that used to consume me 24/7 and literally cause me to seize up in petrified fear and anxiety.
Sometimes I still think I’m the ugliest person in the universe.
Sometimes I still think I’m a failure.
But the difference now, is that I’ve seen what I actually look like through Christ’s eyes. I’ve tasted freedom and felt liberation. And it is so much better than letting myself believe the lies from the other side.
The enemy loves to attack our weaknesses, and my weakness has always been beauty. I’ve searched in all the wrong places for it and come up empty, alone, and filled with self-rejection.
But Christ says to us, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” And Paul responds, “Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”
One of my first steps towards ‘boasting’ in my weakness was posting my first bulimia blog (which you can read HERE: bulimia [a confession]). I was terrified of exposing something so deep, dark and frankly, embarrassing. But once I posted it and brought it into the light, my weakness became my strength. The enemy was no longer preying on the shame of my weakness, but rather, I was now walking boldly with the strength and grace of Christ.
