I would be lying if I pretended like posting this blog didn’t make me nervous. But last night I was reminded that the reason I’m on the World Race is because I have a passion and fire to spread the love and light of Christ around the world. And the best way to spread God’s glory, is to share about everything He has done in your own life. So here goes: a victory story.
Coming on the World Race, I was a bulimic fighting for recovery.
I am now a recovering bulimic.
Having the mindset of a bulimic began about five years ago.
It started with one comment in high school that began the lies of food being an idol and having control in my life.
It turned into an addiction of eating all the wrong things because society told me I’d be sexier if I ate a cheeseburger instead of a salad.
It became a fear of being watched and scrutinized for what I was eating and if it matched other people’s standard.
It was pure hatred of food in any form – “healthy” or not.
Acting on bulimia started about two years ago.
It started as “one time.”
It turned into every day.
It became my comfort.
It was destroying me.
Recovering from the act: five months ago.
It started by asking for prayer.
It turned into 40 people laying hands on me and praying fearlessly for freedom.
It became an extraordinary moment of peace.
It was the first step to freedom.
Being set free from the downward spiral of my mindset: three weeks ago.
It started with a lot of fear, anxiety, frustration, and crying.
It turned into revelation after revelation of discovery.
It became ok to treat my body right and not conform to the lies of society.
It is an every day choice.
The World Race is probably the last place someone with an eating disorder should be. And that was told to me by the staff before I left on the Race. I thought I had it under some sort of control before leaving. But control is not the same thing as freedom. I had convinced everyone, including myself, that I was ok. That I would be ok.
But God always has other plans. Plans to break you, wreck you, and destroy you. Plans to build you up, speak truths into you, and make you new. And for some reason, God chose the World Race as the perfect place for my recovery.
On the Race, I walked into it knowing I couldn’t hide this thing that was killing me slowly and secretly. First off, you’re around people 24/7 so there is no possible way to get away with anything. Secondly, I wanted freedom and I wanted to tell people. Thirdly, God was ripping this lie apart and exposing so many new things to me about it that I had never known before.
The Race is not for everyone. And I can honestly say I would not be here, about to start Month Ten, 60 days left on this adventure, if God had not opened every door possible so that I made it here.
I should not be here. I was a mess before I came on the Race. And I was strictly told if bulimia was still present in my life, I would have to postpone my Race. I’ve heard stories of people being asked to postpone their Race because of this very issue. I knew there was a chance I might not be allowed to leave in September 2013. So on a surface level, I fought against it. I honestly thought I had won, but it was only a band-aide on a deep gaping wound that was slowly draining me. Of course God brought it into the light and because of that, I should not be here.
And yet God chose this place, this squad, these people, this adventure, to help break me and rebuild me. To help heal me. The Race is not a magical wand that makes you instantly better and new and awesome. The Race is a place where God shows up big, and it looks different to everyone.
For me? God placed me on X-Squad because if He didn’t, I would’ve never asked for help. I would’ve never been prayed for. I would’ve never been fought for. I would’ve never experienced the brokenness of this sickness. I would’ve never seen the terrible control it had over every part of my life. I would’ve never told my mom four months in. I would’ve never Googled recovery stories because I wanted hope.
I am the exception. The Race is not a place for a bulimic to recover. But God chose this as my story. God chose this to be the setting for my testimony. God made this happen. The World Race did not make this happen. I did not make this happen. My squad-mates did not make this happen.
This was all God.
Every day is a choice. Every day I have to make the choice to continue walking in the victory of freedom that Christ fought and died for me on the cross. The choice has become significantly easier now, but it’s still a choice. The enemy will try to use this against me. He’s already tried. But every day will be a choice to let the victory of Christ persevere through and not let the enemy overtake me again with the lies.
Check out my most recent update about being six months bulimia free HERE!
