I am afraid to leave for eleven months, and travel to eleven different countries, not because of physical safety, but because I am afraid of failing.
That is probably my worse fear. Failure. You know the theory on Fight or Flight? In that category, I do not fall to either of those. When a hard situation comes up, I do not instantly fight, and I do not instantly run away. Instead, I freeze.
I freeze, because if I fight, I might fail, and if I run away, I definitely fail, but, if I don’t move, then…I do nothing. Although, by doing nothing, I can still fail, and therefore it makes me freeze even more.
It’s strange, confusing, and totally overthought! But still, this is my battle.
The way I freeze may look different, due to different circumstances. I shut down, maybe overthink, over focus. It just depends on the situation
So why am I telling you this? Well, because the past weeks, I have gone a little into shut down mode. I have carried anxiety in my heart, as well as fear.
Even though I have recognized these feelings, I was not sure how to process them, or why I was feeling these things.
Yesterday I went in my room, and sat down to think about why I am feeling fear and a little anxiety about the World Race.
I prayed and asked the Lord to show me the reasons behind the heaviness weighing on me.
And this is what He revealed to me, what I just told you, my fear of failure.
I don’t want to mess up. I want to do it perfectly. But I know that I cannot do it perfectly everytime, so what do I do?
I overthink situations and scenarios. I just want to do it right, and do it well. I want to love others perfectly, no room for error and mistake. But I know this is not possible, so what on earth am I supposed to do?
Basically, my reason for the anxiety, and being shut down, was because I don’t want to fail myself, my family, others, and especially the Lord, going on the World Race. And no one is putting this expectation on me but myself.
So, seeing all of this, the Lord and I had a conversation, and this is what the Lord said to me, “Ariana, trust Me.”
So funny. A simple and beautiful, “Trust Me.” In contrast to my freaking out and over analyzing.
I then had a picture of Jesus walking towards me, and He put His right hand on my heart, and His left hand on my shoulder, and said, “Trust Me. Do you trust Me?”
Timidly I replied, “Yes.”
No condemnation, no anger, no resentment, just a simple question asked in love, He repeated His question, “Do you trust Me?”
I took a breath. I breathed in, picturing all the weight and unrealistic expectations, and breathed out, opening my hands, placing everything in His hands, and reply,”Yes. I trust you.”
How can I not trust Him? End of July I was accepted in the World Race. I started out with my deposit of $150, and now God has provided almost $10,650.
How can I not trust Him?
When I prayed and said, “God, if you want me, then you are going to have to keep me, because I am done.” He kept me.
I have seen prayers answered for individuals in my family, and in my life. He has rescued uncles, aunts, cousins, friends… How can I not trust Him?
He even answered a simple prayer, that He would give me a cat, and one night two years ago, I had a dream He gave me a cat, and the next day, guess what I had?
When I prayed thousands of times over the past 5 years, and asked for a boyfriend, well…thankfully He did not give me one! Haha! I can trust Him!
When I asked that He let me leave Kansas City, and my Father kept shutting the door, and saying no, thankfully He knew what the plan was! And World Race was part of that plan for me.
And now, as I prepare to leave three weeks from today, I pray and ask for grace, strength, and courage to do hard things. I pray for financial provision, I pray for wisdom.
I do not have to be afraid of failing. I do not have to worry about tomorrow.
And you know why? Because I know, I can trust Him. And my heart is at peace, because He is my rock. All the glory goes to Him, because I am no longer a slave to fear, because I am a child of God.
2 Timothy 1:7-For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.
Matthew 7:11-If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask Him!
Psalm 23
