It doesn’t feel real. Being at home, sitting on the couch, hanging out with my mom, dad, and cat Diego. Life while at home has looked like work, babysitting, being with family, catching up with friends, and trying to rest before heading back out.
At times I still feel like I am still on the World Race. I have to repack my bag pretty soon, hop on a plane, and live with those who are not related to me. Home right now is a place that is temporary, I just have a lot more free time, and a lot more alone time. I am not complaining at all. I have loved being home. And I am staying present and being with family. But I am asking the Lord to prepare me to pour into the ones I will be squad leading for in January.
So in saying that, what has the Lord been showing me during this time? Well, during my time at home, I have had a lot of emotions. A lot of tears. At times I didn’t even know why I was crying, the tears were overflowing and I have had to really process with the Lord and with my family.
There have been stories about people after the race who would go into Walmart then start crying because of being overwhelmed. While on the race I swore I wouldn’t be one of those people…but then me and my mom went into Walmart, walked outside, got in the car, and the minute we sat down I burst in to tears. Or the time I got lost in Kansas City and it was my first time driving on the highway, and I don’t have a phone and pulled over to the side of the road and started crying. Haha. But I prayed and got home safely.
And then the wonderful moments of seeing Lucy, my niece for the first time. Or hanging out with my sister (BFF actually) and laughing because she is hilarious. Watching Duck Dynasty with my parents. Being able to go back to work and seeing all the faces of those I have worked with. Catching up with old friends. Going to church. Man, it has been so awesome, and so weird being home. Even something as simple as driving has brought me a lot of joy.
And I have been so encouraged being home. When I went on the race in January 2016, I realized that things I dealt with or struggled with at home, I could not run away from them. If anything, they followed me. So it was a clear cut decision, either run away and be overpowered by those struggles, or face the fears and temptations and conquer them. And they were conquered. Jesus conquered those struggles and temptations in me.
But I still had struggles and temptations coming home, they were just different then the ones I had going on the race, and during the race. But what I learned while on the race was that there will always be something to walk through and deal with, but the difference now is that I KNOW, and TRUST Jesus has me and will never let me go.
One of my struggles on the race and a little bit at home was not towards the Lord or thinking that He isn’t enough or that He isn’t strong enough…my doubt has always been in myself. Am I enough? Can I do what He has called me to do? Am I going to try and run away from Him again? My sin doesn’t seem bigger than my God, but my sins have seemed bigger than my desire to love my God with everything in me.
So as I have been dealing with personal struggles and doubts at home, my sister said something to me that has really stuck with me.
We were sitting on the coach and we were talking. And she looked me in the eye and she said, “Ariana, I have faith in you. And not only that, I have faith for the new surrender you have to the Lord.” That rocked my world. My best friend in the whole world has faith in me. Why shouldn’t I also?
I have faith in the Lord to get me through everything, to always protect me, even though it may look differently then what I may expect. I have faith that the Holy Spirit will always guide me, and that He has my best interest in mind. I have faith that He loves me. And now He is teaching me to love myself, and to know that He has designed and created me to love Him. To put my faith in Him. I cannot run from Him. I have tried, but He has never let me go.
And He is showing me that He created me as strong. Some days I still have trouble seeing it. But He is so good and has taken every weight and every burden off of my shoulders. There is no possible way I am the same person, and it has absolutely NOTHING to do with my actions, it is a new and divine understanding and knowledge of His mercy, grace, and love. Not grace to allow me to do whatever I feel like to doing, but grace to make me strong to run to Him and allow Him to be my Hiding Place.
I love being home, and I am so excited for January and to be able to continue being a missionary while loving and pouring into others. I love the people He has called me into fellowship with, and I love being a missionary.
In saying all of that, I have had so much to reflect on while at home. When we were finishing up the race at our final debrief in Antigua, Guatemala, the Lord laid this song on my heart. It’s a song that summarizes my race.
Here is a couple lines from it that really stuck out to me.
I’ve been a lot of places, and I’ve seen so many faces
There have been times I felt so all alone
But in that lonely hour, in that precious lonely hour,
Jesus made me know that I was His own
And It was through it all, through it all,
I learned to trust in Jesus, I learned to trust in God.
So that’s pretty much where I am at while being at home. I leave for Atlanta, Georgia January 2. I am going to try and see those I can, but also please understand that I am resting and being back in America is a little overwhelming at times. So hopefully I can at least see everyone! Thank you all for your encouragement and support! It means so much to me!
Please continue to pray for me, that the Lord continues this good work in me and He reveals to me the deep and hidden things, that I would know the length, width, depth, height of the love of Christ, and that the Holy Spirit would direct my heart in the love of God and steadfastness and patience of Christ. If you ever pray for me, please let these things be a part of your prayers for me. I will pray the same for you. Thank you!
