It is always scary saying yes to the Lord, and the places He wants to take you. But what terrifies me even more is the idea of not obeying Him and missing out on the adventure with Him.
Saying yes to squad leading was not easy. Anyone even remotely apart of that process knows that…but it has been amazing. And so rewarding. I have been on the move and traveling for over a year now, serving, preaching and teaching. Being a squad leader on the World Race is a little different then I thought it would be. It requires a lot of vulnerability, one-on-ones, a lot of connection with the Holy Spirit, trusting that He is leading me, and trusting the direction He is leading me in.
Before I decided I would be a squad leader, back in September 2016, the Lord told me my grandma would pass away while I was on the World Race. I begged Him to not let her pass away yet because I knew I only had a few months left. But as it became more clear that I would be a squad leader, leaving once again in January 2017, I knew the Lord was showing me that this would be my last goodbye to my grandma.
So while I was home for a month I went to see Grandma Lucy, sat and held her hand and talked to her. While I was there I prayed that God would allow her not to die while I was gone, but that she would be there when I returned home unless that would mean she would suffer. As I took her face in my hands to say goodbye, and give her a kiss on the forehead, in my spirit I knew this was my last goodbye. I had to leave the room and get in the car so I could cry. I knew it was my last time hugging my grandma. And in that moment I put my trust in Jesus, or I should say once again, I put my trust in Jesus.
When I arrived in Mozambique, I was so blessed to have wifi to call grandma during her last days and tell her much I love her, and hear her tell me she loves me. Having wifi in Africa, especially Mozambique is scarce. When we arrived in Swaziland, my mentor Megan sat with me and told me my mom had messaged her, telling her that it looked like grandma Lucy was approaching her time. She asked if I wanted to call her. So I said yes, and I called grandma Lucy and I was able to tell her I love and miss her. An hour and a half after our phone call, she drew her final breathe. What a gift from the Lord that I was able to talk to her, one I will always cherish for the rest of my life.
Obedience is a hard journey. I have heard people say often, “Jesus wants me to be happy.” Ummm…not exactly. He wants us to walk in deep JOY because of the knowledge of what He did on the cross. The JOY of obedience and surrender. Which is not at all an easy thing. Jesus ask us to do hard things to sacrifice our comfort and our happiness.
My heart is so sad that my grandma is gone. I know not everyone is close to their grandparents, but my Grandma Lucy has always been in my life. She lived with us for ten years and she has always been an essential part to my life. And it makes my heart very sad that I couldn’t be there for her during her final days. But I don’t regret my decision to be a squad leader even though there were many times Jesus and I had long discussions of, if this was His Will for me to be here or not. But everything God has done in me and through me by pouring into others, I can see His hand in it. And I am honored to be called into obedience and love and partnership with Him.
In Luke 14:25-34 Jesus talks about the cost of discipleship. And He says, “If you do not carry your own cross and follow me, you cannot be my disciple. But don’t begin until you count the cost.”
I loved my sweet grandma so much. But Jesus asked me to follow Him. And I know it might sound harsh or even unfair, or like I am calloused….but if you could see the battle in my soul, the battle between flesh and spirit. I constantly have to bring my flesh into submission to the spirit, trusting that this is all for His glory, and even if I don’t see “results” for my obedience…that’s okay. Because this is not about me. This is all for His glory.
He has radically changed my life. This use to be my biggest fear. Losing someone I love dearly while doing mission work. But through this the Lord has brought me so much closer to Him and He is worth counting the cost.
While typing this blog there are tears in my eyes, but in my spirit I am so grateful He brought me here, and Grandma Lucy is in a Heaven dancing with our Heavenly Father. She was not alone at the end. She had the whole family around her. She had Jesus. And now she is with Him. I am so grateful for that God called me here to be a squad leader, to be a missionary, to preach the Good News, to share my testimony of how Jesus has radically changed my life, and more importantly, I am so grateful for the gift of the cross.
Jesus is not asking us to do anything He didn’t do. He gave up His life, he surrendered to the Father’s will with joy in His heart. He was obedient and gave up His life because He loves us.
I owe Him everything…I owe Him my life. How can I offer anything else but my obedience? I’ve counted the cost. Jesus has my life.
Thank you everyone who has been praying for me. It is not easy. It is a daily surrender in my heart and a constant surrender to His Will and choosing to trust Him. So please keep praying for me that God uses me in this place for His glory and His glory alone.
Thank you
