It all started around the age of five. There was a situation with someone close to the family that left me walking away feeling very unclean. And through the years I always had that specific memory in my mind.
But when I realized the seriousness of the situation with the person, was not until I was 19. But I chose not to say anything. Because I always had the thoughts, “It was so long ago.” or, “It wasn’t that bad.” But it made me feel like an object.
What I thought was my own thought process were actually lies from the enemy. So I didn’t bring to light what happened until a year later. The Lord laid it on my heart to tell my parents, so I did.
My name means pure and holy one. But I don’t know if I have ever felt my name sake. Doors were opened at a young age. And because they were not closed, it led to more doors being opened in my childhood, teens, and even young adult age.
From a young age I walked in so much shame and condemnation without ever understanding why. Why did I feel like something was taken from me…when I never did anything wrong? Why did I feel unclean?
Recently God brought up another memory. Again around the age of 5 or 6, I remembered something happening with someone who lived in the same neighborhood as us. Someone who was 5-6 years older than me. Another situation, where I was asked not to say anything. “We’re just playing Ariana. So make sure you don’t say anything. Because we are just playing.”
But it wasn’t playing. It was not ok.
And again, at a young age, I felt like an object.
From a very young age I would have really bad nightmares. I didn’t even know what sex was or how it worked, but I would have dreams of being raped and would wake up crying.
I had so much fear of what man could do to me.
I always felt dirty. Like there was something really bad that I did, but I didn’t know what. I struggled with this feeling for years. I remember sitting in the bathtub scrubbing my skin, feeling unclean, and begging God to help me feel clean. I didn’t understand why I felt this way.
Then another situation happened when I got older. Someone tried to assault me, and afterward said a phrase I will never forget. Words that I thought were true, and confirmed my worst fears. “This is all women are good for.”
I bought the lie. That men only saw me as an object. That from a young age lust was my identity. That men only saw women as objects to be used for their pleasure.
Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t believe this for all men.
My dad and brother-in-law are really great examples of men of God, and what it looks like to love their wives as Christ loves the church (Ephesians 5:25). But because of my personal experience with men, and words that were spoken over me that I accepted as my identity, I believed that I would not be able to find a man that is genuine and pure in his thoughts towards me.
So when I did go out with guys I would always have a guard up. Here and there I would meet someone who I thought could be a possibility for me. But I had so many walls, so much defense up, that the expectation for them to fail or for them to see me as an object would outweigh their genuine heart.
I realize that not every guy is or was genuine. And over the years I see how God used my walls to protect me. His hand was over my life, guiding me and protecting me. And through this process I have learned that there is pain behind walls and defensiveness, and it has helped me love people where they are at.
So I would try and hide who I am. I would do this by keeping guys at a distance. I was very protective. I thought I was doing the right thing. That I had high standards. “You can take me out, but you can’t hold my hand. You can’t kiss me, and we will see what your intentions are.” Either we would have this conversation, or this would be my mindset and my demeanor.
And even though God used this mindset to protect me and keep me out of trouble, my heart behind it was not in a good place, because I was using high expectations so I wouldn’t get hurt again-physically or emotionally.
I was only covering scars that went very deep.
It was so hard for me to love myself. How I looked physically or how God made me. My personality is very big and I am naturally curvy and tall. So trying to hide was not working out so well. Because I was not being who God created me to be!
But I no longer trusted God to keep me safe. So I would protect myself. So many walls, so much protection hiding a hurt little girl that just wanted to feel protected and loved.
Before coming on the race I was the queen of shutting down. In arguments, in pain, in fear…anything that brought up memories, or pain I would go to my shut down space. Or I would drink. Or watch tv. Anything that would help me escape my reality. But the thing about escaping reality, is that you can’t. Reality is always there, waiting for you, when you wake up.
I couldn’t escape my reality. Not through TV, not through drinking, not through working out, not through binge eating, but God knows I tried. Coming on the race, I begged God to heal me. To change my coping mechanisms. To help me not to shut down.
Coming on the race God has been healing me. In Vietnam I was talking with our mentor, Meghan, and she was asking me to process a certain situation from when I was a kid. As I was describing what had happened, I started weeping. And saying, “I want to leave. I just want to leave.” And it was like God gave me a picture of Him hugging me saying, “Daughter. Don’t shut down. FEEL. You’re safe.” So I sat. And cried. And felt.
He has shown me my identity in Him. Through prayer, love, patience from others, and myself, and from the Lord. He has used friendships with guys and girls here, on the World Race, to bring healing.
Through my community, through His Word, through prayer, through declaring life over myself, and trusting God, He has healed me. And continues to heal. Everyday is a process, but everyday I take steps to accepting my identity in Christ, and not what the world says.
I share this with you because this has been one of my biggest struggles being here. Overcoming seeing myself as only an object.
The world around us, screams lust, and darkness. But we cover those words with different words, like grace, and freedom.
Grace and freedom to do whatever we want, to walk in our freshly desires, rather than the fruits of the Spirit.
But what I have learned is that true freedom comes when you can look in the face of pain, look in the face of those who hurt you, and say, “I forgive you.”
True freedom only comes from Christ. True passion comes from wanting to live in the light, and for Jesus no matter the cost. True grace comes from not giving into sin, but God giving you the grace and strength to overcome. Freedom, and grace are not excuses to walk in darkness. They are, our reasons to live in the light, and keep our eyes on our Heavenly Father.
I. AM. NOT. AN. OBJECT. An object for the pleasure of man was what I believed my identity was. It made me afraid to get married. It made me walk in timidity. Because I chose to believe that lie.
I have love for myself. For how my Heavenly Father has created me. And it is only through Him that I am changed. Everyday is a process, but He has, and is healing me!
I have Christ in me. And I have hope. Do you have any idea how good that feels to say? I have hope that God will give me a man who loves me, and I feel SAFE with. I have hope that He has good plans for me.
I have realized that from a young age the enemy has tried to take away my purity. But shoot. God must have something pretty special planned for me, for the enemy to try and get me to believe a lie from a young age.
This has been one of my greatest victories on the race. It has changed my walk with God. Giving him my trust in my physical protection. That even if something happens, I know He is in control. And I am my names sake. Pure. And holy. Not because of choices I have made, not because of what others have done, but because of Jesus, and His blood. I am a captive set free.
I walk in a new freedom. Because I no longer trust in my own capability, and I fight to not shut down. I bring to light what is in darkness, and trust in God.
As well as ministry, working for coffee shops, churches, hostels, boys homes, orphanages, praying for healing over others, singing and leading worship, going from country to country…this is a peek into what God has been doing in my life and my heart the past five months.
Why are you cast down, o my soul? And why are you disquieted within me? Hope in God, for I will yet praise Him. My Savior and my God. Psalm 43:5
For God does not give us a spirit of fear or timidity, but of power, love, and a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7
