It has been 2 months since I have written and posted my last blog. I think there are a few reasons why I have been late on the whole blogging thing in which I will now go into.
First, I have been overwhelmed with many different things having nothing to do with the mission trip. Not that this is an excuse, but it is honestly challenging for me to put in the time to write blogs when life is insanely crazy (still no excuse). I know that some people don’t write blogs, but instead post pictures or quotes. I thought about doing that instead (I will try to do it also), but realized that blogging may be a better a way to convey my thoughts, feelings, and may even teach me more about myself and God along the way. Going on this mission trip is an important and special commitment that I’ve made and a commitment like this requires a lot of thought, time, and effort. Blogging is a part of this commitment, and though I have been busy, I also think fear of committing to this commitment has been a factor (laziness too if I were being honest).
Second, this whole thing is totally out of my comfort zone. To write about and share pretty heavy and private topics with a lot of people isn’t exactly a hobby of mine. And going to Central America for three months (first time out of the country) with people I don’t really know isn’t exactly what I am used to. Being vulnerable is HARD. However, I’ve also come to the conclusion that vulnerability is how you grow. I have been fearful of being vulnerable and out of my comfort zone.
Third, to be totally and completely real with you all, I have had absolutely no idea what to talk about. I thought about it for awhile but my ideas ran dry. I would think about something, but have no idea how to put it into words. I would then get lazy and just give up, afraid to take on the challenge.
I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but there’s a theme here. Fear. Fear of what others would think after reading my blogs and what they’d think of me. Fear that I wouldn’t put into words what I was thinking correctly. Fear that what I wrote wouldn’t compare to others blogs. And digging deeper, fear that this mission trip was not God’s will for me, fear that he wouldn’t provide what was necessary to go, fear that people wouldn’t want to know me/ or wouldn’t like me. Fear that I would catch a disease or something bad would happen at home while I was gone. You get the picture. Constant fear and doubt was running wild in my head, and it sometimes still does. I’ve not only been doubting myself, but most importantly, God. Thinking about it more, doubting myself is doubting God. He is my Creator. He has given me life and purpose, He took me in as His child, and yet, sometimes, I still doubt who I am, which is doubting God too.
I become discouraged with myself and ashamed of my doubt and fear. But in my shame, fear, and discouragement, God is still gracious and remains with me. God has provided, protected, and blessed me with so many things, so what is the point of being afraid and doubting? Through all the obstacles and challenges, He still loves and protects me. He replaces doubt with peace, discouragement with thankfulness, and fear with courage. Though I may still doubt sometimes and worry, I can cling to the truth that no matter what, God is with me and will take care of me. I can lean and cast all my cares on Him and for that I am thankful. There will be obstacles in the future, but I know that with God, I can conquer anything. He is going to be doing some amazing things. Thank you all for your support and for taking the time to read this! I am looking forward to sharing more with you!
Blessings!
-April Johns
“Cast all your cares on Him because He cares for you.” – 1 Peter 5:7
“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” – Joshua 1:9
