Yesterday morning, I got frustrated with one of the girls. I kind of snapped at her and then it was time to send them to school. So I left on a bad note… I don’t usually do this but I didn’t know how to handle her. I was genuinely offended and was not speaking out of love but out of offense. As I was driving home, I was so bothered by our conversation and really frustrated with my reaction. I have a close relationship with this girl and she is very special to me. She is not a Christian but she is searching for truth. I only have one more week to spend with her for quite some time. I feel like every moment needs to count for something. I want her to see Christ in me. But during that moment I forgot, I let my offense control me rather than letting God work through me. I always tell the girls, that when they are faced with conflict they have two choices…. bitter or better. I chose bitter that morning.
I wrote this blog last week and hesitated to post it:
Part of me said, it was just a dumb little argument that she probably didn’t think twice about after I left but the other part of me said, every moment counts, every situation is an opportunity. I couldn’t wait until my next shift to talk to her so I went and talked to her that evening. As I sat there apologizing and explaining to her why I was bothered by the situation and that I want her to feel free to share her heart with me, I began begging God for words. He just kept saying, “keep talking, keep sharing your heart…” and I kept saying “God please give me words, I don’t trust myself.” I was suddenly overwhelmed, I started to tear up as I was talking to her. I was at a loss for words, I didn’t understand why God would trust me with his little girl’s vulnerable heart… who am I to show her Him? what if I screw up? what if she puts to much in me? “God please say something! To me! To her! Just say something! Don’t trust me, I don’t trust myself!”
But He said what I feared most, “I trust you.” So I did all I knew to do…. I poured out my heart, I was honest. I told her I wasn’t sure how to make her see what I wanted her to see so badly, that I was at a loss for words but that my heart was about to explode because I was feeling so much for her, that she is so much more than a job to me, I want her to feel like her life has meaning beyond what she was seeing, and that I want her to look to Christ for that not me. I told her that at times I will let her down, just like anyone else… which is why I wanted her to know the one person that would never let her down.
This story doesn’t have any great ending, the conversation didn’t end with her falling to her knees or God giving me a specific word that really hit home with her….. or maybe He did? But I don’t know that. It ended with a hug and an I love you, a thank you for being real, and for taking your time to come talk to me. It ended with me sitting in my car crying and wondering if I could have said something different or something more. It ended with me asking God, who am I? why are you trusting me with these precious daughters of yours?
I don’t trust myself but I think that is where God wants me right now. I am learning to be dependent rather than independent. To look to my Dad for approval…not people, not results. His opinion is meaning more to me everyday.
