I was called to the ministry in high school and thought that meant going to a private Christian college. But my parents couldn’t afford to send me to a private college. I was sold out to God (or I thought I was) but still had some serious spiritual immaturity that I was very blind to. I told my parents that God wanted me in the ministry and I knew He would work out the finances. So I applied only to Christian schools (no back up) and the money didn’t come. I didn’t understand. I felt like I stepped out in faith and God left me hanging. I ended up at a community college my first year, living in an apartment with two friends from high school. I quickly let my relationship with God slip (for the first time I had no one to hold me accountable). I was angry at Him and didn’t want to be where I was. It wasn’t long before I gave in to the party scene. I avoided alone time as much as possible so I didn’t have to think about the way I was living, the conviction was definitely still there. My parents told me that they could work it out for me to go to a private Christian college for my last two years I told them that I didn’t want that anymore.
I felt like God didn’t want me in the ministry to bad or He would have worked it out a year ago. I still didn’t like where I was though…so I transferred to Valdosta State University (six hours from home, the farthest I could get without paying out of state tuition). I joined a sorority, made a ton of friends really quick, and turned into the ultimate party girl. I thought I was having the time of my life. My junior year I quit my sorority, I was tired of having my schedule made for me. I kept most of my friends but started to branch out and hang out with some new people. I met a group of people that I quickly became attached to. I thought I knew them well but the deeper our friendship got, I began to see some really harsh realities. My friends were hurting and dealing with some things I had never been exposed to and I wasn’t sure how to handle it. I wanted to save them. Some old friends saw it wearing on me and told me to back off but I was determined that I was put in their lives for a reason and I was not going to give up on them. The thing is, I wasn’t where I was supposed to be in my relationship with God and hadn’t been for quite some time. So that made it hard for me to be the person they needed in their lives. Realizing that I couldn’t change them and that they weren’t ready to change themselves was one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with. I’m not sure why this particular situation had such a dramatic effect on me but it started to make me see everyone differently. I started seeing a little more below the surface and realizing how much hurt and confusion so many people were hiding. I felt like for the last 20 years of my life I had been seeing people how I wanted to see them instead of how they really were. I started feeling hurt and confused too. I felt helpless. I saw so much but could do so little. Instead of crying out to God for help I kept trying to do it on my own but eventually I started sinking too. I was depressed for quite some time. I lost a lot of friends because they weren’t sure how to handle me. I wasn’t the outgoing, happy, and fun April anymore. I didn’t think I deserved to be happy when all these other people that I cared about were hurting.
My whole life I had been so self consumed that I didn’t even notice what was really going on around me. I didn’t want to be like that ever again. What made me deserve to have such a carefree life anyway? One night I called a counselor (my old gymnastics coach, during the time she was coaching me she was going to school for counseling). I asked her if she would start talking to me because I felt like I didn’t have anyone anymore. I told her everything that had gone on in my life but that I didn’t want to hear that God was the answer right now. She was amazing to talk to but I was searching for help that no human could give me. Around that time I won a summer internship to New York through the job I had at school. Everyone was excited for me and I tried to act excited. But nothing really excited me at that point. I spent the next couple months in a daze. I wasn’t really sure what I thought about anything anymore. I had so many questions and no answers. I was in my own little world and didn’t let many people in. Before I knew it, I was in New York (a year earlier this would have been a dream come true). I thought that it would be a good chance for me to start over, so I tried to act like the old me. I had fun but when I went to bed at night I never had peace. In fact most of the time I didn’t even sleep. I was miserable inside and felt even more lost there than I was back home. But I kept my happy face on. One night while I was there, I was on facebook and found out someone I had grown up and graduated with died in a freak drowning accident. I lost it. I was already miserable and couldn’t exactly explain why but that just topped it off. I had been questioning why God seemed to be so unfair and having a friend pass away at such a young age and so unexpectedly just fueled my frustration and irritation with God. Death was something that even the people in New York who didn’t know me would understand. Now they could let me be sad and not ask questions. By the end of that trip I had never been so happy to see my family. I spent a week with them (everything finally felt normal that week). But then it was time for me to go back to school. I freaked out when I realized I was graduating in a year. I wasn’t ready to be in the real world. I didn’t even know who I was or what I wanted out of life anymore. I had never felt so confused and lost in my life and I was supposed to start making career decisions. So I tried to change my major and decided I want to go to law school (it had been an interest of mine and would definitely buy me some time to get my head on straight). My parents didn’t want me to change my major because I was so close to being done. I told them it was my life and didn’t need their support. After that fight I stopped talking to my parents for three months. That made everything worse. My family was the only solid Christians I had in my life at the time. After that fight, I didn’t have any respect for them anymore. I stopped respecting myself too. My lifestyle was so unhealthy and it had been so long since I had felt truly happy and satisfied with who I was. At this point I stopped talking to everyone about the things I was dealing with because I knew the friends who had stuck around were so tired of hearing the same stories from me. I could hardly remember what it felt like to have a light heart. My heart was so heavy. I wanted to see things the way I use to. I didn’t understand why God was showing me so much but He was doing nothing to make any of it better. Was He trying to make me unhappy? I was turning into someone I hated. I preferred to be alone and I felt like I was being fake when I was with other people. I had always been independent but started feeling like I needed a guy in my life. I just needed someone. The people I tried to cling to let me down (not because they were bad people, I was just looking for something they couldn’t give me). I’m not sure when everything finally clicked but I finally hit a point where I realized it was time to ask the one that I had been avoiding for help. I had tried to do it my way and was failing miserably. The whole time I knew He would help me if I asked but that’s what made me so angry. I didn’t want His help if He wasn’t going to help everyone else too. I never completely stopped talking to Him. I asked Him to help my friends every day. I just didn’t want Him to do anything in my life until He did something in theirs. It didn’t seem fair.
But when I hit my knees and said “God do whatever you want with me, I am miserable and can’t help myself or anyone else.” Of course, He didn’t let me down. I don’t know why I fought it for as long as I did. What I didn’t realize was that because I refused to accept His help for myself I was also not allowing Him to use me the way He wanted to, to help the people I wanted Him to help. College has definitely been a learning experience for me in ways I could have never imagined. I understand why God put me in a public school now. I can’t say I have everything figured out because I definitely don’t. I am still learning and growing every day. I still have unanswered questions and I still struggle with giving God control and not trying to take care of everything by myself. I still don’t understand why things seem so unfair and at times I still have a hard time accepting blessings. But I can say that I have found peace with who I am in Christ and that there is no longer a void in my life. He satisfies my every need. I am truly loved and in love. And I want to tell everyone! I want everyone to find the love I have found. God wants everyone to find it too, He is not going to force it on us but He is standing there with open arms waiting to embrace us when we are ready. I want to do anything I can to help anyone get even one step closer to that sweet embrace where everything worldly seems to fade as you stand in awe of the one who created it all. You begin to see life here as a launching pad into something far greater. Rather than clinging on to things you begin to invest in God’s kingdom where you know you will spend eternity. I have always been scared to fall in love. I have a big heart and I have a hard time trusting anyone with it. But God has shown me that He gave me a big heart to share and although it may hurt at times to give a part of my heart that is not returned, the people I share my heart with probably need it more than I do. God has shown me a love so deep that will never let me down. Love is a powerful thing and it has changed me to the core. I am willing to sacrifice anything for the one I love. He is teaching me how to love, to forgive, to see myself the way He sees me, and to see other the way He sees them. I want nothing more than to please Him. I feel like He has called me to a life of ministry. I don’t feel worthy of such a calling but I know the more unworthy I am, the more people will see God in me. So as I begin to step out in faith I ask that you pray that God will keep me humble, that I will be sensitive to His voice, and that I will be obedient in everything.
So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen for what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
2 Corinthians 4:18
