I am all about honesty. Even when I was a closed-off hermit of a person that despised being vulnerable, I still valued honesty within people over most other characteristics. So I’m going to be honest here, I’m currently sitting on my bed in my room and as I type, I’m praying, “Dear God, please, I don’t want to write this blog right now…” Coming from church, tonight, there is a flow of words within me that I know my God wants me to share; but hey, I’m still working on vulnerability here so this is still hard for me. However, I’m also working on being obedient to God and doing whatever He asks me to do, so here goes…..
I am beyond ecstatic and excited to be going on the World Race in September! I have spent over a year thinking and praying (and obsessively stalking people’s blogs) about the possibility of going. My heart aches with the desire as I contemplate the places I will go, the people I’ll meet, the love of the Lord I will get to share with them; I know and believe without a doubt that this is where the Lord is leading me to go….and then comes the “but”.
I am so excited for this trip, but the last thing I am looking forward to is raising the money to go. Now, dear friends, please don’t misunderstand me when I say this. I know that support raising for missions is biblical and this is how God intended it to be, and I am more than willing to spend the money to go; however, if I could pay for the trip myself, I probably would in my prideful stubbornness. My hesitancy paralysis in fundraising comes from this: I severely doubt and mistrust that the Lord will provide for me. (Wow, that actually kind of stings to admit to that.) I have been struggling with this since the moment I began to feel God drawing me to go and now that I actually have to begin the fundraising process, it has gotten even worse.
I was listening to a sermon by Mark Driscoll called “I am Adopted” that is part of his series on Ephesians and a look at our identities as believers in Christ. During the sermon, Mark Driscoll talks about children who get adopted on this earth usually either react by running to the parents and being extremely excited to finally have a family that accepts and love them. There are also those children, though, who have been used, abused, and neglected and they struggle with attachment issues; they are not ready to trust their new families, they are ensure and suspicious. And as those who are adopted physically, it can be the same for those who are adopted spiritually. As I am listening to this, I realize: I am the child with attachment issues. It’s been over five years since I was adopted by God and I’m finally grasping that my Father loves me, but I still struggle to believe the constancy of that love. I still struggle to believe that my Father is a good father who, out of that love for me, wants to take care of me and will provide for me.
The raising of this $15,500 for the World Race is by far the greatest task I have never undertaken; not because talking to people and asking for support is hard (it is, but a lot easier than before), but because my lack of trust paralyzes me and I have no idea how I am going to make it through this. I already feel stretched beyond my limits, and I’ve just barely begun taking steps forward.
So, yes, I need financial support; but moreso, I need prayer from all of you. Dear friends, please pray for my lack of faith and trust, pray that I would be obedient and take steps forward in fundraising even though I’m “not feeling it”. But more importantly, please pray that I would come to know and believe that God is a good father to me and wants to care and provide for me, and that I will trust in the Lord to provide the finances for the World Race and to not do this on my own strength. Thank you and God bless you!
This song is my prayer for my relationship with God right now…
