I am needy.
And self-centered.
I have lived in a self-preservation mode for so long that at times I simply don't know how to break out of it.
Sometimes I use my damage as an excuse for staying in my comfort zone.
I tend to wrap myself up in my pain because it's just easier to live in misery than fight it.
When life/tasks/responsibilities get overwhelming, I run away, avoid, and shut down.
I struggle to trust God. With most everything.
Especially finances.
I hate fundraising (for the most part).
I feel burnt out on it already and I have so far to go.
I struggle to not believe the lie that nobody cares about what I'm doing.
But most of all, I don't trust God with my heart.
I am fearful to love freely.
I am scared of the risk of being hurt ever again.
Having hope terrifies me.
These past few days, I've been feeling greatly apathetic, to most everything.
I've made the World Race more about my growth and healing than getting to share the love of God with those I'll come in contact with.
I want to feel the love of God and be filled with the Holy Spirit.
And I also want to desperately hold on to it for myself because I'm always a little bit scared that one day it'll run out.
This is my sin. These are the dark parts of my heart.
I wish these things didn't exist within me.
I wish I was better, stronger, had more faith.
Because when it comes down to it, I want to be used by God to reach others. I want to be the most effective that I can be.
I want to be able hear even the slightest whisper from God and immediately do as He asks. No hesitation, no over thinking. Just action, confidence, love.
I know I can never make myself into this person. But that is the beauty of it. Because I can't be that person, but God, Himself, is turning me into this person. God pours His love on me and He fills me with His Holy Spirit. Again. And again. And again. So even though I am scared, even though I am slow to trust and believe and to act; God's patience will never cease. And with every baby step I take forward, God is overjoyed, He rejoices at my progress, and He encourages me to keep going. And even in my brokenness, the Lord still chooses to use me. I may be a hot mess at times, but I am still effective in reaching others because God is good and loves to use the weak for His glory.
And guys, THIS IS TRUE FOR EVERY PERSON!!!
Are you flawed? Filled with pain? Brokenness? Do you feel like a hot mess? Are you tempted to just give up on life? To call your circumstances good enough and stop hoping?
Well here's some beautiful truth: God is BIGGER than your brokenness. He is STRONGER than your oppressors. He has POWER over your circumstances. God is good, and loving, and so, so wonderful. It is because of God that hope exists. And He is more worthy of trust than anyone else.
So are you ready to let God into your life? Maybe just a little?
I pray that you are. I let God into my life six years ago, and it's been uncomfortable, hard, and scary at times; but it has also been the best decision I could have ever made. So don't be afraid, it's one step forward at a time. 🙂
