If you haven't read Part 1, I would do that first or else you might be really confused.
……….
So when I said God didn't leave me in my brokenness long, I really mean it.
Right after my breakdown at lunch, we went straight into another session. This one was on forgiveness.
Being completely honest, the last thing on my mind was forgiveness. Instead, I felt anger, hatred, even a bit of rage for my stepbrother (the one who sexually abused me). Not only that, I was mad at God. Again, I was believing the lie that God had chosen not to protect me, that He chose to not watch over me. That just like my biological father, God allowed the abuse to continue even as it was starring him in the face.
It is the end of the session, and they're asking us to chose to forgive those who have hurt us in the past.
But not only are they asking us to forgive, they are asking us to pray blessings over those people.
Immediately, I feel God telling me to forgive my stepbrother.
"Oh Lord, I can't do this. I'm not ready yet."
And again, I'm crying.
As I'm crying, the two brothers-in-Christ that I happen to be sitting between put their hands on my shoulder and my back. No words are spoken. Just a silent gesture of love, support, and care.
As this occurs, the speaker begins to pray for those who have always needed to know that they are protected.
My heart bursts open with the aching I've kept inside myself for so long. And in that moment, God showed me several different things all at once…
First, God showed me that just as I sat there feeling loved and protected by my brothers-in-Christ, God does the same thing for me day after day. That even when I don't feel it, I have my Father in Heaven, who is mightier than anything else, on my side, watching out for me, and fighting unseen battles for me again and again. That just as my brothers are surrounding me, my Father and Christ surround me with their unfailing love.
Second, I begin to see my stepbrother through the eyes of God. I see my stepbrother's own pain as he deals with the divorce of his parents, his own horrible relationship with his father, how rejected and unloved he feels at times, and how he desperately tries to fill this void with…me.
At this point, I'm still crying, but now I'm crying for my stepbrother as my heart breaks for him…
…and before I realize what I'm doing, I'm praying for him.
I'm praying forgiveness for what he did to me, praying that he would be able to forgive himself, praying that he would know what it feels like to be loved…and over and over again in my head, all I can say is…
"Lord, I pray he knows you. Lord, I pray he knows you."
The session ends and they excuse us to the next thing. And I realize…
My anger is gone.
My hatred has turned to love.
The pain is not so severe.
And all I want to do is go running into the arms of my God, to seek Him and experience Him ever so greater. And to finally have the little girl inside me be healed.
And that is exactly what God did for me…but that is going to have to wait for Part 3. 🙂
