Did you know that? I really hate the awkward stigma that comes along when you share a statement like that, but I want to make sure that is blog is a transparent view of who I am, and not just a grand idea of who I want to be. I want to share this with my family, friends, supporters, & fellow racers because it’s such a big part of what I’ve grown to be.
So. do you feel uncomfortable yet?
I first went to therapy my freshman year when I was struggling big time with depression. I mean… not eating, sleeping all day, pacing in my room, hair falling out, scraggy appearing, I-would-have-gotten-drunk-every-night-but-didn’t-because-of-the-Lord’s-grace depression. My mom made me go to the Student Counseling Center and sign up for counseling but it was LAME. I think it was because my counselor had no empathy at all and I secretly wished she would be in shock about the things I told her. haha. Anyways, what helped me the most through that situation was my understanding and supportive family who gave me a swift kick in the rear. Also strategic changes and decisions made that prevented me from falling back into those thought patterns. In addition to these steps, I also started on an anti-depressant. I was extremely apprehensive at first because it kind of freaked me out, drugs that mess with your brain & moods. Now, I am so thankful that the Lord gave someone the skills & knowledge to develop something that would help me rise out of the muck. Truly a miracle.
Fast forward 2.5 years. Big news, big change, adjustments needed. I would share what happened specifically, but it’s not my news to tell really. Overall, it was definitely a shock to my system. I knew I needed some help to sort through this rogue wave and I wanted to heal from it properly; not just stuffing it down like I normally do. I once again signed up at Student Counseling Services and got my initial appointment. And boy, was I glad to get a different counselor this time! Erin was really great at getting into the nitty gritty, at asking me hard questions, and not giving me easy answers. I discovered habits that I had no idea I had, and learned some new perspectives about relationships, marriages, and how emotions are important in everyone’s lives. Since the university provides this service as an inclusion with tuition & fees, we could only have sessions for a semester, and I was a little sad to end our time together in December. It was such a sweet time of discovery & exploration that I had never experienced before! And no, Erin wasn’t a believer. This usually wasn’t detrimental to our progress, only when I had to explain certain things that sound unhealthy (surface level). One week we were talking about marriage, and I mentioned that I believed that the wife should submit to the husband. It was really hard for me to explain this concept without it coming out like a ridiculously crazy idea. Great for making me think about what I really believe!
After December, life was pretty good. I even decided in February that I would try and taper off my anti-depressant, to have 1 less thing to carry around the world with me on the Race. I fully expected to be “fixed” and loved the moment when I got to share with my small group that victory. I was off completely in March and was thankful for that blessing.
Not so fast!
June brought a LOT of changes VERY quickly. I was under a lot of school stress, most of my friends had graduated & moved on, and I wasn’t living in a house with other college girls. Cue unhealthy thought patterns, loss of appetite and copious amounts of crying. UH-OH…..MAYDAY MAYDAY!!! I immediately recognized these signs and my heart fell. I thought it was over! I thought I was “all good” and overcame that time in my life. Most of all, I felt like such a failure after living in the victory of a Zoloft-free life…. I was defeated.
but jackie reminded me of this:
This was not a defeat. Taking drugs was just a solution to the problem, a tool to use, nothing to be ashamed of. And I should probably go to counseling again.
I got back on the Zoloft regimen and signed myself up for counseling! I was hoping for Erin again, but the Lord definitely had other plans! I got matched up with a Courtney, and had a really productive first session with her. The thoughts had calmed down a bit and there was a lot of discussion on what caused the flareup, what we could do to prevent it from happening again, etc. I left the session feeling great, secretly hoping she would be a Christian.
but then.
BUT THEN!
I went to church on Sunday. And who do you think is sitting just 2 rows in front of me? Courtney, my counselor.
The rest of the service a smile would sporadically spread on my face as I laughed at how God worked this all out. What a plan He has!!
I’ve met with her a few times since then and it feels so good to talk freely about grace, forgiveness, the sanctity of marriage, and ESPECIALLY when she calls me out and says “Now, what do you think the Lord thinks of that?” Shot to the heart!!! I love it. I love this refining & rebuilding of myself that I get to experience every Monday. I love that I’m messed up and broken and that the Lord provided this gift for me when I thought I was defeated.
HE IS SO GOOD TO ME
I don’t tell you this because I want to shock you, to one-up the situation that you are in, or to stir up feelings of pity. I just want to be proud to say “hey! I’m messed up! the Lord has redeemed me…. but I’m still a mess! and THAT’S OK.”
I can’t wait to use all these experiences and tools that the Lord has taught me out on the field. He has such a beautiful plan for my life and I love watching it come together, even thought sometimes it hurts a little.
HE IS SO GOOD.
