My name is Anthony Steven McCaw I was born on December 12th, 1996 in San Bernardino, California, but grew up all over the southern parts of California, in drug infested and messed up homes. My Biological mother was heavily addicted to drugs. To this day I do not know who my real father is. My mother would always abuse me. I would try to get away before she would have her crazy fits but it would be to late. She would beat me until I would black out or until I would stop moving I’d wake up crying and I remember hearing her stomp her way back to me for round two. Sometimes it would be round three. I would scream but she didn’t care. She was like a wild animal attacking it’s prey. At the age of four my sisters, my brothers, and I were taken away from her for abuse, neglect, and substance use.
After we were taken from my mother we were put into foster homes. I thought I was finally free from the abuse and neglect but I was wrong. It was worse than what my mother put me through. Almost everyday my body was beaten and torn. Even worse was the mental torment I was going through. The physical wounds began to heal but the mental wounds didn’t.
From the age of 4 to 7 I was put into nine failed foster homes. I was broken and bruised. My days were full of awful things. My nights were full of evil nightmares that kept getting worse and worse as time went on. I’d wake up screaming with cold sweats. My only questions would be, “why me?” and, “what did I do to deserve this?”
After all those foster homes, at the age of 7, I was put into a group home called “Child Help” in beaumont California. It is a place for children who have been through what I was going through. I had to fight all the time so other kids wouldn’t pick on me. One day When I was 8 years old, while I was sleeping in my room, I was quickly woken up by 3 kids who were older than me. They jumped me and beat me very badly. Then they forced there way upon me. I was hurt physically, and emotionally my anger went through the roof. I hated everyone! I especially hated my mother. I blamed her for everything. I was torn, I was beaten and I felt as if I was going insane.
But (and this is a big BUT), just when I thought all hope was lost, God smiled on me. I was adopted at the age of 10 into a family from a little town called Swanton, Ohio. They are my family to this day. I gladly changed my last name from Carper to McCaw! I began to fill this amazing thing called “Love!” It was strange at first. I didn’t know or understand what this Love was. It was overwhelming. It was a powerful Love that made me feel safe, secure, and comfortable. It was truly amazing!
This family taught me everything. They taught me all the basics of life like tying my shoes, reading, writing, how to talk, and even how to use the bathroom. I knew nothing! I was a 10 year old boy traped in a 2 year olds mindset and actions.
However, I began to take advantage of this love. I was so blinded by bitterness I acted out. From the age of 12 to 18 I was very, very, rebellious. I began stealing and lying to my family. At school I was fighting or arguing almost everyday with my classmates and I was very disrespectful to my teachers. I would steal money from my classmates! I felt as though I was bullet proof and no one could stop me. At the age of 18 after being suspended 6 times from school in the matter of 4 weeks. I dropped out of high school and I would run away from home. I ran the streets and I would shop lift from store’s!
I was heading down a long and painful road. I wanted to turn back but didn’t know how. I wanted to live a good life but I didn’t know what a good life was. My whole life was nothing but bad. I knew nothing about being good. It was only a four letter word to me. It wasn’t a feeling or a way of life.
Finally, on January of 2015 my life would change for the better. Although I didn’t know it at the time. I traveled to Cleveland, Ohio. I went to a rehab center called Teen Challenge.
I began to learn about Jesus and His love for me. I didn’t understand why someone would die for someone like me. I learned He even died for the people that hurt me. I started to feel this pull to give my life to Him. However, I didn’t feel worthy enough. I felt as though He wouldn’t want me. I didn’t even know how to give my life to Jesus. But God kept tugging on my heart. All He wanted was for me to be in His arms. So on October 28th, 2015 exactly 10 mouths after being in Teen Challenge, I gave my life to Christ.
The Love I felt was so overwhelming, I began to cry. I knew from that day forward my life would be forever changed for the better. I was then sent to a place called Mercy House ministry in Hurly Mississippi. I graduated from there on September 16th, 2016 at the age of 19. Teen Challenge is a 14 mouth program but because of my disobedience it took me 20 mouths to finish.
The day I graduated Mercy House I went to Fourth Day Ministries, the ministry I was a part of and even when I leave. I was ready to start a new chapter in my life. But shortly after I came to fourth day I got news that my biological mother had died of a drug overdose in 2013. This made me hurt and become so bitter. The last time I saw her was when I was 5. I was so angry at God! All these old feelings, that I thought I had been freed of, were beginning to come back up in my life.
I went back to rebelling. I was acting out and disrespecting my authority. I would play church and act like I had everything in order but deep down I was broken and afraid. I was not receiving all that Jesus had for me. My lack of obedience and my disrespect got me kicked out of fourth day.
I then was back at mercy house and I went back to my old lifestyle. While I was there I was driving and caused a horrible accident do to texting. I broke my collarbone and tore my knee up. I had someone in the passenger sent and I almost killed him. I was in the hospital thinking about what I had done and what I was doing in my life. I knew God had better things in store for me in my life but I still didn’t straighten up. I was drowning out the voice of God. I eventually got fired from my job for lack of production and disrespect to fellow co-workers.
This was the straw that broke the camel’s back so to speak. I had lost everything. I was broken and thoughts of suicide were flooding my mind. I knew I had to do something. So I swallowed my pride and called Ty Ford who is the founder and pastor of fourth day ministries and I asked if I could come back to fourth day.
I knew this was my last chance to get this thing called life right and become the man God wants me to be and to receive all that God has for me. I left behind all my baggage. I gave God all my bitterness, all my anger, and all my pride. I surrounded everything and left it at the foot of the cross. And Instantaneously there was a giant weight lifted off my shoulders. It was replaced with His love, His joy, and His peace.
I am finally figuring out Gods plane for my life. He wants me to open a orphanage to help children that are in the same situation I was in.
God has done so much for me. He was with me even when I didn’t know Him. He is going to use these terrible things that happened to me and turn it around into something that shows His glory.
I was once lost but now I am found. I was blind but now I can see! He has set me free and for that I will praise Him and live for Him for the rest of my Life. And when the day comes that I have to leave this earthly body I will then praise Him eternally in heaven.
My past was no pretty picture but my future will be the prettiest picture I can ever imagine because Jesus will be the painter for my life! Not me! God bless!
