I am addicted. I cannot hold it in any longer. I have carried this addiction for too long.
I am addicted to expectations. I thrive on them; I create them wherever I go, and when they do not get met, I go through withdrawal.
This previous month was our Manistry month, an entire month of just the men living and doing ministry together. From training camp, we talked about this month and how great it would be just the men together and how we could really go “deep” with each other. Well, J squad finally had their month for this and I was on expectation overload! I wanted too many things for myself as well as for each man on my squad. I wanted us all to just be able to love each other and care and pray for each other as men should be allowed to. To put it simply, I was stoked!
First day at our home for the month, we all seemed to want the same things I did. Then reality began to slowly slap me across the face with my expectations. My expectation bar was set so high and none of the things I wanted to happen were going according to MY plan. (You might be saying right now, “Well, duh, it doesn’t matter your plans, it’s all up to God. Yupp, I had to learn that the hard way.) I found myself making up for the lack of fulfillment in these unreachable goals. I started taking it out on my teammates within my heart. In my mind, I felt that if expectations were not going to be met, it was not because of anything I was doing wrong, but because of everyone else messing up. I had such a hardened heart and such bitterness towards basically every man on my team because we weren’t doing what I wanted. Satan took this and ran with it! It became such a problem that even some of my closest friends weren’t doing enough for me. I was holding up my end of the bargain, why was it so hard for everyone else to do the same thing?
As sad as it is, it took me about 2 ½ to 3 weeks to realize this was happening. It shouldn’t matter to me whether people are being open with me or not, I need to run my race and not worry about if other people are following me or not. A quote from Beth Meyers that I continue to have to tell myself is that “ I don't need to have an opinion where I don't have responsibility.” I do this with every country we go to and with people within the country. God has each of us perfectly placed and going through different things according to what He wants, my opinion does not matter to Him if it’s coming from a selfish desire.
I am starting off this new continent and new country different; I am laying down my own agenda and whatever goes on, I know it was planned by the most perfect God! I felt that I was laying down my own plans, but if you do not continue to surrender those desires to the Lord, they will creep back into your life. Praise the Lord (literally) for being so patient with me and with everyone, that no matter how many times we screw something up, our God is right there brushing off the dirt and walking with us.
Now that we are in the 6th month on the race, the time is fast approaching for my final financial deadline of $15,500 by March 1st. I am only $3800 away from reaching that deadline and I know the Lord still wants to use me for his glory around the world. I hope and pray that as you read this God will place someone on your heart to share my journey with.
