I’m not good at trusting people. I’m not good at trusting people because I don’t like doing it. I dislike trusting people so much that there are some people, people I’ve known for years and love dearly, that I still don’t trust. It goes against every fiber of my being. I don’t trust people because people are untrustworthy. End of story.
*Billy Mays voice* BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE!
Hi I’m back with the trust thing.
Before I left for the race, I was working 2-3 jobs with a steady income. In order to go on the race, I quit all of those jobs. Since I’ve begun the race, I’ve watched my bank account ever so swiftly dwindle down to almost nothing.
I knew Thailand was going to wring a lot of money out of me. Since we don’t live with hosts this month, and we have no kitchen to make our own meals, we eat out for every meal every day. On top of that, Thailand is full of gifts I want to shower my friends and family with, as well as adventures I want to fill my soul with. I was prepared to spend more money than I was comfortable with, knowing that God will provide for me when it comes to it.
A few days ago my dad sent me a text that slapped me hard with reality. He informed me that I had spent $420 in 9 days. While not all of that was spent on necessities, a good portion of it was. With less than $800 left in my bank account, and no credit card, I’m going to be out of money very soon. Personal money. Money I worked hard for. And when my bank account hits $0 I’m sh*t out of luck. AIM provides us with food and transportation money, straight from what we have fundraised and what you have kindly given, but after everything else they generously provide is expensed there’s only so much they can give us. And while it absolutely helps, it isn’t enough to live off of.
I’m not going to starve. I’m not going to be sent home. I’m not going to come home having lost 20 pounds from malnourishment. I still believe God is going to provide. But it just hit me how real and scary this is. Instead of celebrating my mom’s birthday over the phone I cried into her ear about what the heck I’m gonna do. I have no backup plan. I have no secret stash of cash somewhere. There’s no hidden bank account that I can dip into in times of need. I’m straight up sh*t out of luck.
What’s scarier to me than the possibility of going hungry, though, is the fact that my only option is trust. I have to trust that God is going to make a way when it seems so hopeless. I have to trust Aba that I’m going to eat and be filled every time. I have to trust my Baba that I won’t have to live off of the bare minimum for the next seven months but that I’ll even be comfortable. The most terrifying part in this entire situation is the part where I have no control. I can’t do it all by myself anymore. Everything I worked for is about to run out. I might not even make it through month 4. I don’t say that to throw myself a pity party, I say it to paint a picture of how little I can actually achieve on my own. To show the weakness that God is bringing out of me so that He can show me His strength.
I’m terrified. Even though I know I’m going to be ok, because I’m so incredibly loved by so many people and the God of the universe, I’m absolutely nauseous at the thought of running out of money and having nothing more to lean on than God and His faithfulness. But I’m going to make it out, not because I’m any good at this (obviously, right?) but because God is really good at this. Miracles are kind of His thing.
So I can’t wait for my next blog to be all about how He’s providing in ways I never could’ve dreamt up. Stay tuned, folks.
