In this process of traveling the world with a close community I am finding that it is imperative for me to know myself well. When I know how my heart is doing and where I am encouraged or feeling frustrated, I can better respond to the small hiccups that accompany everyday life. Yet knowing myself can become difficult in the middle of busy schedules and wanting to know others. I am finding that I can walk through a day having no idea what I am thinking or what is going on beneath the surface of going through the motions.
AND I’m realizing why I used to be called too sensitive. It wasn’t my sensitivity that was necessarily wrong, it was the fact that I have spent so much of my life being easily offended. I have not wanted to invite feedback (positive or negative) into my life because that feedback would become my identity. I was essentially giving anybody the freedom to make or break me by a few simple words. It’s making me think of that verse that tells me not to fear man but God because “what can man do to me”. hmmm life-changing? I think so.
I was riding in the back of a truck the other day on our way back from a caving adventure. by the way, it’s like GORGEOUS here. The drive itself was like 2 hours and we sat on hard wooden benches and bounced for the whole time. BUT it was so worth every minute because of the adventure involved in it all. As we drive there are palm trees and mountains the whole way and some ocean that pops in every once in a while to display the beauty of changing blues. It smells like pollution because of all the exhaust that is piling out from the cars and trucks on the road. And every time we pass a group of Filipinos, we get an awesome reaction. Lots of “hello miss” and “beautiful”… with most of them being genuine kindness and not just catcalls (although we get a few of those too).
So we’re driving back from our caving adventure and our squad leader, Tara, asks us if we feel that we are satisfied with where we are on the race. (ya know, spiritually and all). So I start thinking and realizing some things. I am really liking where I’m at. ALOT. but I think there’s still some places inside of me that are living in darkness that I need freedom in. But for the life of me, I have no idea what those things are. Isn’t it funny to know there’s darkness and not know what it is specifically?
So anyway, I don’t know that i’m necessarily really pushing to know it… but i am trusting the fact that God will bring the light when He knows i can handle it. And that process will more than likely bring a lot of brokenness. So i’m looking forward to it in some ways and a little fearful in other ways. So i know you are praying constantly for me… as are many others. and i want to give you something more specific to pray about….. brokenness. 🙂 Yep, I’m asking for it. Because I want to be used and I want His light to shine and His light can’t shine through a clay pot that isn’t cracked.
WOW. ok so I keep acting like I’m not hearing God’s voice, but every time I go to have a conversation with someone or can actually get to the reality of how I’m doing, real things are coming out. I’m seeing my life changing at the core of me. No drama here, just simple choices and revelations about God that are leading to the Living Water and the Bread of Life. So maybe I am hearing the still, small voice of my Creator whispering life into my soul”
