Please, dear readers, forgive my lack of writing. Internet in Africa can be a bit sketchy making it difficult to write consistently.
This is a journal entry I wrote this morning. While there is much more going on, this is the most recent of what is happening in my heart.
“Father, where is your heart today? Where are you moving? What are you saying?
Wow, it’s been a while since I’ve asked that hasn’t it? I love that I know I can ask these things and you will answer… maybe even within the next minutes. And then the point isn’t that I respond perfectly, the point then becomes you again. Your glory, your presence, your power lived through a silly weak girl who wants to love you with all of her heart.
It’s been a while since I’ve been after anyone’s heart, mine included. You don’t stop though do you? Your heart if for renewed, refreshing, life-giving relationship. Which seems easier to have when we are with the whole squad and everyone believes the best about me. But when I’m with my team I don’t believe the best often… about them or me. Which ultimately leads to the truth that I don’t believe the best about YOU. And why not? I know your character. I know that you only give good gifts even if they come wrapped in a bit of suffering.
But ultimately that suffering isn’t worth it to me right now. I don’t love you enough… I don’t know you enough. Because I haven’t taken the time and investment to know you. Or I block myself with all my insecurities and don’t step forward to take a risk with you.
I think: You couldn’t want my heart. I don’t even want it half the time. It is weighed down with sin, blocked up by stubbornness, and corroded from my own choices and others. You couldn’t possibly want this thing. It’s to heavy and black. It’s too intense and not spiritual enough. You couldn’t want it and you couldn’t love it.
And God says: Couldn’t I? If i am completely content with myself and totally filled by relationship with myself, couldn’t I then out of that very nature of love, want you to know that perfection of right relationship? The intensity, the desire, the vulnerability of pure unadulterated relationship?
Me: So am I a charity case?
God: And what’s wrong with that?
Me: I don’t offer anything to this relationship.
God: Sure you do, you offer you. Your choices, your will, your obedience, your life, your heart. I don’t need these things because I am so fulfilled already. But wow, do I enjoy them. Because it means that I get to share myself with with you as you share with me. I get to have the pleasure of sharing that perfection with you.
It’s been a while since I’ve been after anyone’s heart, mine included. You don’t stop though do you? Your heart if for renewed, refreshing, life-giving relationship. Which seems easier to have when we are with the whole squad and everyone believes the best about me. But when I’m with my team I don’t believe the best often… about them or me. Which ultimately leads to the truth that I don’t believe the best about YOU. And why not? I know your character. I know that you only give good gifts even if they come wrapped in a bit of suffering.
But ultimately that suffering isn’t worth it to me right now. I don’t love you enough… I don’t know you enough. Because I haven’t taken the time and investment to know you. Or I block myself with all my insecurities and don’t step forward to take a risk with you.
I think: You couldn’t want my heart. I don’t even want it half the time. It is weighed down with sin, blocked up by stubbornness, and corroded from my own choices and others. You couldn’t possibly want this thing. It’s to heavy and black. It’s too intense and not spiritual enough. You couldn’t want it and you couldn’t love it.
And God says: Couldn’t I? If i am completely content with myself and totally filled by relationship with myself, couldn’t I then out of that very nature of love, want you to know that perfection of right relationship? The intensity, the desire, the vulnerability of pure unadulterated relationship?
Me: So am I a charity case?
God: And what’s wrong with that?
Me: I don’t offer anything to this relationship.
God: Sure you do, you offer you. Your choices, your will, your obedience, your life, your heart. I don’t need these things because I am so fulfilled already. But wow, do I enjoy them. Because it means that I get to share myself with with you as you share with me. I get to have the pleasure of sharing that perfection with you.
Me: But I just screw it up. I look at people through my own lense instead of yours and I don’t know how to love
God: I know, I’ve noticed that.
Me: So what do I do about it?
God: Remain
Me: What?
God: Remain in my love. Soak in it, bask in it, know it. Sit as my daughter, in my lap and discover my love. It’s infinite so I promise you’ll never get bored… not if it’s really my love that you’re enjoying. It will be painful sometimes because love involves risk. But I promise it will always be good. In fact, it will always be for your good too. Always! It will take all of you that you can give. And even more than you can give. It will suck you of all your mind, soul, heart, and strength. Every ounce of that. Which just means that then I can replae those things as they give out. And the replacements are pretty dang good! They’re mine, in fact (but it’s ok, you can use them… I have more than enough). And then you’ll be able to love just fine. In fact, it will be a natural reaction as I replace all of your old insides with new ones.
