As we begin our final week here in Guatemala I can’t help but look at my legs and think to myself “I must be delicious.” I haven’t kept count but I am pretty sure I have been bitten about 5,687 times. I am not fully convinced that I will still have skin on my legs by the end of the month because yes, I have been scratching. Here in the Mayan Biosphere it’s not just mosquitos that you have to worry about. No no. There are also spiders of all shapes and sizes (including tarantulas) and when they bite you it swells up like you got whacked with a blunt object. There are also these little black flying bugs that are the evil cousin to the mosquito. When they bite you they leave a drop behind so suddenly you’re covered in blood and you don’t know why. Last but certainly not least are the ants. If you ever stop walking you better look down because the likelihood is that you’re standing on an ant hill and they do not appreciate you caving in their latest renovations and will exact their revenge with fury. I think my hands are going to permanently smell like anti itch cream.
I am however happy to report that the bug situation has been the biggest environmental struggle this month. The squad has been working with an organization called Hearts in Action at their base outside San Andreas. Their ranch houses the Jungle School which educates pre K- high school students and features several different career tracks as options for the students after they graduate. Our hosts Suzanne and Mario are passionate about the education and discipleship of children and youth as well as the conservation of the Guatemalan Jungle. This month was all Squad month so Hearts in Action was invaded by the full P Squad crew. We have worked on everything from reorganizing the school library, to creating ropes course elements, helping with student sponsor mailings, digging trenches, hauling trees and rocks out of the jungle, sewing aprons, to painting, and outreach to the local children.
This month has been very task oriented in comparison to last month and it has been easy to throw myself into projects at the expense of taking time to focus on personal growth. Even though the ranch is approximately 600 acres and there is plenty of space to go running and explore, with the whole squad living together there isn’t anywhere to hide from my squad mates. I mean that as a totally positive thing. Something that I have been learning about myself this month is that I struggle to allow people into my space. Not in a physical sense, I love hugs, cuddles, and the whole living in close quarters doesn’t bother me. The struggle I am referring to is allowing people into my life and allowing them to know me. I have gotten in the habit of holding my fellow humans at arms length.
This has gotten me into trouble on a couple of different levels. Firstly it means that although I have a deep longing for community and relationship I end up stunting the growth of my friendship because of my unwillingness to open up. This also means that I refuse to reach out for support when I am struggling in any way. Even though I am an external processor (I work out problems better when I can talk them through with another person) I very rarely seek out other people to do that with.
Well none of that really flies when you’re on the World Race. Even though it is all Squad month and we are all here together we still meet with our teams (shout out to ELE) separately to bond and develop community. This past Tuesday we decided as a team that we wanted to go through testimonies in the coming week. Two thoughts went through my mind when we decided to do this. The first being “awesome! I’m going to get to hear all about my teammates lives and get to know them better!” The second being “crap that means I have to share”.
Wednesday is my night to lead team time which meant exactly 24 hours after we made that decision I was sitting in the living room of the missionary house getting ready to share my life story with people who I had known for barely 4 months. Was I nervous? Yes. Was it mildly terrifying? Yes and yes. Laying out my experiences and my struggles in front of people and having no control over whether they receive or reject me after is not a control I like surrendering.
However the actuality of my experience could not have been more different from what I was fearing. After I finished sharing my team not only flooded me with acceptance and understanding but they were able to speak truth into lies that I had been believing for years. I could not have asked for a more genuine and loving response. It was beautiful. There were tears.
I will not pretend that the experience, though meaningful beyond words, was a quick fix to all of my community and vulnerability issues. However I have come to realize just how much purpose God had in placing me on this team at this time. Though I know the process will not always be comfortable I am looking forward to walking it out with this incredible group of people.
