Soft grass between my toes, hands intertwined behind my head, I gazed up at the autumn sky.
Unhindered, my thoughts wandered up through the crisp yellow leaves, past the tops of the maple trees, soaring free into the realm of possibilities.
What is it you want for your life, Annie?
The question posed to me in class the day before had caught me and lingered unanswered in my spirit long after class had been dismissed.
What did I want?
What was my “why” as our speaker called it?
Why was I alive? What was my calling, my purpose, my passion?
I didn’t really know.
I had some itches and some whispers, but when it came down to it my dreams were vaguely defined.
I wanted to glorify God with my life,
but how that looked specifically for me with my passions, gifts, personality, and desires,
I wasn't sure.
That afternoon the open sky and Giver of dreams beckoned my spirit down to the park overlooking the lake for some serious soul-searching.
It had been a long time.
Normally I'm too busy asking others what they want of my life to bother asking my own heart.
Out under the autumn trees, I felt Jesus asking me:
What is it YOU want, my darling?
Like a muscle unfolding and stretching, my heart started to stir and dreams emerge.
I wanted a life of adventure, whimsy, passion, and purpose,
rich in relationships, stories, experiences, and wisdom.
I wanted to make friends with unlikely, unexpected people,
to trek across South America, to fall head over heels in love, to climb Machu Picchu, and to sit in coffee shops for hours with college-aged women sharing stories and truth.
I dreamed of traversing around the world to find and tell the stories that need to be heard,
of being a voice for the voice, of pulling chains off women fighting depression, eating disorders, and abuse.
I dreamed of one day opening a bed and breakfast in Santa Barbara and bringing weary souls from around the world into a place of refuge,
of making cookies for a roomful of my own grandchildren,
and of publishing a collection of ponderings and stories birthed from a life of meaning.
Without thoughts of finance and 'real life' obligations, ideas continued to brew, desire stir and dreams emerge.
At the end of two hours, I still couldn’t define what my spiritual calling was,
but I was at least one step closer.
I guess you could say that I’m a little lost.
But I'm lost on purpose with the purpose of finding the path I was born to walk down.
I’m on a journey to discover where the throbs of my heart align with the Father's.
Recently I heard it said that we find our spiritual calling when our dreams line up with the God's dreams.
His dreams cover an infinite range of possibilities, the key is discovering which ones He has impressed specifically on our particular heart.
We each have different things that set our hearts on fire, that our spirits beat for, and that we deeply and honestly long to do for the Kingdom. These desires are undeniably God-given and it would be nothing less of a tragedy to stifle and bury them.
So I encourage you to allow yourself to dream again and to realize that the One who is sovereign and capable of all things deposited those desires in you for a reason.
He will bring them to completion if you keep seeking after His heart.
*picture credit: pinterest.com
